Couldn't sleep until I wrote something

So, yeah, I'm tired as hell and ready for sleep. I tried to lay down and wander off to dream land, but I just couldn't do it without putting something on the page.

I find myself getting more and more excited about my trip to Nashville. Primarily I'm going to visit a very dear person in my life and that means the world to me. Secondly, I not only feel, but know that this trip will be a catalyst of sorts, and that excites me too. I've been weaving in and out of writer's block for several months now, and I've finally learned to embrace it. There is a purpose, though I don't know what it is yet. I do know that when the damn breaks it's gonna be amazing. As much as I've grappled with the why's of not being prolific right now, I've also learned to go with the flow and believe there is a reason for everything.The ideas are raging through me like storm clouds, but my mind can't stop long enough to put it on the screen. I'm keeping track though, so when it hits, I'm ready. I'm just grateful for the support of the people around me, and I'm especially grateful for David. He sees the vision alongside me, however, he believes it, and I'm just learning to. I know being in his presence will infuse me and motivate me to a level I can't even grasp yet. Great things are coming and I'm open.

In my netherzone again

So, here I am in my netherzone again. I've been up for about an hour now, staring at the blank screen, wondering...

I worked on a poem this weekend, flowed with the groove it put into my head, slammed the words down on the page, and today I hit delete. It just didn't feel right. I know there is something just around the bend, it's niggling at my spine. Lately, every time I write, there is a space between me and my words, like I'm writing behind the veil again. I've meditated, contemplated and ejaculated my existance onto the page, danced between dark and light, hidden the fear of not knowing what to do next, and loved every moment of my evolution.

I've been touched by the hand and the mind of an amazing force in my life, and been grateful that he is...or as he puts it, I am...

I have appealed to the powers that be to guide me toward the resurrection of my creativity.

I have allowed, and been grateful when the Universe provided.

Just moments ago, I stood in the dark, my hands to the sky, a tear on my cheek, the taste of night on my lips and screamed my gratitude in silent splendor, internally, just for me.

Thank you for teaching me not to live through my words, but to let my words live through me, for only when my fingers dance upon the keys, am I truly free.

Inspiration

I've been basking in the joy of my Wednesday night poetry infustion at the Lobby in St. Petersburg, Florida. I had the opportunity to meet two amazing artists that moved me in ways I haven't been moved in a long time. Their words struck me to the core and made me want to rush home and write. Of course that didn't happen since I got home at 2:30 a.m., got to sleep at 3:30 a.m., and had to get up for work at 7:00 a.m. Nonetheless, it's always worth it to go. Shadokat from North Jersey and Heather from Brooklyn were an absolute treat to the senses.

I realized I had to get back out there, back into the scene, back into my element to help fuel my recent block. It's not so much that I can't write as of late, it's more about not being sure what to write about. There are so many emotions flowing through me right now, and honestly, I'm on overload. Now, I'm not complaining, it's a fabulous feeling and I revel in it. I know it's all part of the process.

I feel as though I'm heading into a new level of creativity and it's inspiring to say the least. It's amazing how things unfold when one "Allows" things to fall into place without trying to make it happen. Inevitably, the Universe always provides and for that I am grateful.

Not a typical Sunday night

So, here I am on a Sunday night, wondering where my weekend went again. The weekends seem to fly with with unimaginable speed, while the weekdays drag on laboriously. I spent a few hours at a friends house this evening and was amazed at how I felt when I left. I saw two people that are very special to me surrounded by love and passion, even though they are facing hard times right now. They have three young children, boys, who are filled with more energy than I can ever remember having. Though they are raising those three boys in a struggling economy, with so little time for themselves, they still manage to produce amazingly creative work. They are both very driven people with dreams they hold onto with every breath they take. I admire them both so very much.

I have raised my children, both adults now, and I still can't seem to find the energy or drive to make things happen. It scares me. It makes me wonder if the years of struggling to survive have drained me to the point of complacent surrender. I'm really tired. You would think that would be the greatest catalyst of all, wanting to follow my dream and enjoy what time I have left, without the struggle, without being in the box, without having to punch a clock. I actually see this all as a bizarre oxymoron.

The few people I have let get close to me are so amazingly talented and interesting. I thrive around them and am grateful to have them in my life. I know that whatever is holding me back is doing so for a reason. I have tried to deviate away from the style and content of what I have written in the past, and I must say, it's a battle. A very wise man once told me to "write what you know" and I have stuck to that through the years. It's what I don't know that aches to be explored. Problem is, I don't kow what the hell I should be exploring.

This is the quintessential battle between the two sides of me. I feel the time has come to allow the side of me that is most prolific and true to my emotions to run free, unencumbered by any restraints that create the sensation that I've crossed boundaries.

I write what I feel, I write what I experience, I write what I know.

Bizarre but true

After I got home from work today, I added the new water dish to my snakes' tank and prepared to feed them. I took out the first one and put it in the smaller tank along with the unsuspecting mouse and marveled at how I was watching the food chain in action. The strike was quick, but the feeding took a while. My new addition (not sure if it's male or female yet) slid back and forth over the still mouse and then finally proceeded to eat it. It took quite a while. Then I took Lillith out and repeated the process. She struck quickly and ate just as quickly, As I sat and observed it really caused me to think. Then it dawned on me.

For years I have felt like that mouse. Some people in my life struck quickly but took their time devouring me. Others struck quickly and devoured quickly. Now mind you, I never saw myself as a "mouse", but I did realize I lived for many years like that mouse walking around in a box, waiting for the strike. It's liberating to know that I can or will no longer be devoured. I have elevated myself on the food chain.

Okay, so enough with the analogy. Down to the real stuff now. Life has been and always will be what you make it. The people you surround yourself with is purely by choice. The old adage "misery loves company" is so true to fact. It's when you realize that other people's misery can drag you down and suck the life force from you that you decide to remove them and surround yourself with positive, supportive, and REAL people. I'm in that process now, chiseling away the negative influences that have and could drained me. I have also decided to truly trust and let in the people that genuinely care about "ME" just the way I am.

I am embracing my dreams and voicing my gratitude for the many friends that have helped to shape the beautiful place I'm in. It feels good to finally learn that it's okay to think about myself and what makes me happy and not feel like I'm being selfish for putting myself first. There is a lesson in everything that shapes a life and what one does with that lesson pretty much determines that life.

Soooooo...on that note, thanks to all of you who are helping me reach my dreams and making me feel loved.

The new project begins

With the beginning of a new week and in light of the amazing weekend I've had, the new project begins. The name of the book in progress is, "The Perfection of Imperfection." It is a compilation of short stories (fiction) that ties together in the end. I started this project about two years ago and never really followed through with it. A couple of weeks ago, while in NYC, I read two of the stories I had written and got a great reception. The people I read it to had only heard my poetry and spoken word in the past, so I think they were a bit surprised when I stepped outside of that genre.

I'm really excited about this project and am looking forward to nightly expeditions into the worlds of my characters. I always get a rush when I "become" my character and write from his or her perspective. Though I've not really given myself a deadline at this point, I do intend to work on it nightly so I can get it published soon.

I'll likely put a paragraph or two for each story in my blog so as to tantalize future readers of the finished product.

On a side note: My novel "Silent Retribution" is currently in the editing process and once a cover photo is ready, it will be published and available on LuLu alongside my other book, "Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman."

Stay tuned for updates by subscribing to this blog

Another late night/early morning

So here I sit again, contemplating the way this weekend has gone. I've spent two days just thinking and trying to come to terms with so many things. In the past when I went through this, it was always traumatic, earth shattering, and depressing. Not so this time. My thought processes have changed, along with my views about a lot of things. I feel a sense of relief, joy, excitement, and profound peace.

I've come to terms with why I'm where I am right now, and why I'm not moving forward. There is no one and nothing to blame. Hell, blame doesn't really play a part in it anyway. I've fallen into a comfort zone, the usual thought process of doing what it is I'm supposed to do as a mother, friend, and employee. I am so many things to so many people but nowhere near who I want or need to be for me. I have spent a lifetime taking care of others and making sure things are right, that along the way I forgot what it means to do for me.

I'm actually at a place in life where I don't have issues, problems, or drama to deal with. It has left me blank, because that is what my life has always been. I am learning to embrace a new time in my life where I can really follow my dream. What a sense of enlightenment that has created in me. I know there are people who believe in me and that's always a wonderful thing, but it doesn't do any good if I don't believe in myself.

I have decided to step away from poetry and spoken word for a while and pursue other avenues of writing that I have let fall by the wayside. Most people that have read my work have only seen one side of me. Trust me, there is so much more. I have a bottomless well of ideas that need to be pulled to the surface and I'm excited at the prospect of what is to come. There is no end in sight to what will flow forth from me over the next several months.

I am truly thrilled for the first time in four months of writer's block hell. I'm back...