Inspiration

I've been basking in the joy of my Wednesday night poetry infustion at the Lobby in St. Petersburg, Florida. I had the opportunity to meet two amazing artists that moved me in ways I haven't been moved in a long time. Their words struck me to the core and made me want to rush home and write. Of course that didn't happen since I got home at 2:30 a.m., got to sleep at 3:30 a.m., and had to get up for work at 7:00 a.m. Nonetheless, it's always worth it to go. Shadokat from North Jersey and Heather from Brooklyn were an absolute treat to the senses.

I realized I had to get back out there, back into the scene, back into my element to help fuel my recent block. It's not so much that I can't write as of late, it's more about not being sure what to write about. There are so many emotions flowing through me right now, and honestly, I'm on overload. Now, I'm not complaining, it's a fabulous feeling and I revel in it. I know it's all part of the process.

I feel as though I'm heading into a new level of creativity and it's inspiring to say the least. It's amazing how things unfold when one "Allows" things to fall into place without trying to make it happen. Inevitably, the Universe always provides and for that I am grateful.

Not a typical Sunday night

So, here I am on a Sunday night, wondering where my weekend went again. The weekends seem to fly with with unimaginable speed, while the weekdays drag on laboriously. I spent a few hours at a friends house this evening and was amazed at how I felt when I left. I saw two people that are very special to me surrounded by love and passion, even though they are facing hard times right now. They have three young children, boys, who are filled with more energy than I can ever remember having. Though they are raising those three boys in a struggling economy, with so little time for themselves, they still manage to produce amazingly creative work. They are both very driven people with dreams they hold onto with every breath they take. I admire them both so very much.

I have raised my children, both adults now, and I still can't seem to find the energy or drive to make things happen. It scares me. It makes me wonder if the years of struggling to survive have drained me to the point of complacent surrender. I'm really tired. You would think that would be the greatest catalyst of all, wanting to follow my dream and enjoy what time I have left, without the struggle, without being in the box, without having to punch a clock. I actually see this all as a bizarre oxymoron.

The few people I have let get close to me are so amazingly talented and interesting. I thrive around them and am grateful to have them in my life. I know that whatever is holding me back is doing so for a reason. I have tried to deviate away from the style and content of what I have written in the past, and I must say, it's a battle. A very wise man once told me to "write what you know" and I have stuck to that through the years. It's what I don't know that aches to be explored. Problem is, I don't kow what the hell I should be exploring.

This is the quintessential battle between the two sides of me. I feel the time has come to allow the side of me that is most prolific and true to my emotions to run free, unencumbered by any restraints that create the sensation that I've crossed boundaries.

I write what I feel, I write what I experience, I write what I know.

Bizarre but true

After I got home from work today, I added the new water dish to my snakes' tank and prepared to feed them. I took out the first one and put it in the smaller tank along with the unsuspecting mouse and marveled at how I was watching the food chain in action. The strike was quick, but the feeding took a while. My new addition (not sure if it's male or female yet) slid back and forth over the still mouse and then finally proceeded to eat it. It took quite a while. Then I took Lillith out and repeated the process. She struck quickly and ate just as quickly, As I sat and observed it really caused me to think. Then it dawned on me.

For years I have felt like that mouse. Some people in my life struck quickly but took their time devouring me. Others struck quickly and devoured quickly. Now mind you, I never saw myself as a "mouse", but I did realize I lived for many years like that mouse walking around in a box, waiting for the strike. It's liberating to know that I can or will no longer be devoured. I have elevated myself on the food chain.

Okay, so enough with the analogy. Down to the real stuff now. Life has been and always will be what you make it. The people you surround yourself with is purely by choice. The old adage "misery loves company" is so true to fact. It's when you realize that other people's misery can drag you down and suck the life force from you that you decide to remove them and surround yourself with positive, supportive, and REAL people. I'm in that process now, chiseling away the negative influences that have and could drained me. I have also decided to truly trust and let in the people that genuinely care about "ME" just the way I am.

I am embracing my dreams and voicing my gratitude for the many friends that have helped to shape the beautiful place I'm in. It feels good to finally learn that it's okay to think about myself and what makes me happy and not feel like I'm being selfish for putting myself first. There is a lesson in everything that shapes a life and what one does with that lesson pretty much determines that life.

Soooooo...on that note, thanks to all of you who are helping me reach my dreams and making me feel loved.

The new project begins

With the beginning of a new week and in light of the amazing weekend I've had, the new project begins. The name of the book in progress is, "The Perfection of Imperfection." It is a compilation of short stories (fiction) that ties together in the end. I started this project about two years ago and never really followed through with it. A couple of weeks ago, while in NYC, I read two of the stories I had written and got a great reception. The people I read it to had only heard my poetry and spoken word in the past, so I think they were a bit surprised when I stepped outside of that genre.

I'm really excited about this project and am looking forward to nightly expeditions into the worlds of my characters. I always get a rush when I "become" my character and write from his or her perspective. Though I've not really given myself a deadline at this point, I do intend to work on it nightly so I can get it published soon.

I'll likely put a paragraph or two for each story in my blog so as to tantalize future readers of the finished product.

On a side note: My novel "Silent Retribution" is currently in the editing process and once a cover photo is ready, it will be published and available on LuLu alongside my other book, "Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman."

Stay tuned for updates by subscribing to this blog

Another late night/early morning

So here I sit again, contemplating the way this weekend has gone. I've spent two days just thinking and trying to come to terms with so many things. In the past when I went through this, it was always traumatic, earth shattering, and depressing. Not so this time. My thought processes have changed, along with my views about a lot of things. I feel a sense of relief, joy, excitement, and profound peace.

I've come to terms with why I'm where I am right now, and why I'm not moving forward. There is no one and nothing to blame. Hell, blame doesn't really play a part in it anyway. I've fallen into a comfort zone, the usual thought process of doing what it is I'm supposed to do as a mother, friend, and employee. I am so many things to so many people but nowhere near who I want or need to be for me. I have spent a lifetime taking care of others and making sure things are right, that along the way I forgot what it means to do for me.

I'm actually at a place in life where I don't have issues, problems, or drama to deal with. It has left me blank, because that is what my life has always been. I am learning to embrace a new time in my life where I can really follow my dream. What a sense of enlightenment that has created in me. I know there are people who believe in me and that's always a wonderful thing, but it doesn't do any good if I don't believe in myself.

I have decided to step away from poetry and spoken word for a while and pursue other avenues of writing that I have let fall by the wayside. Most people that have read my work have only seen one side of me. Trust me, there is so much more. I have a bottomless well of ideas that need to be pulled to the surface and I'm excited at the prospect of what is to come. There is no end in sight to what will flow forth from me over the next several months.

I am truly thrilled for the first time in four months of writer's block hell. I'm back...

Understanding

I awoke at 5:04 this morning after having fallen asleep on the couch. I had every intention of getting some writing done last night, but honestly, I was exhausted. This past week at work was rough. The TV was on; the lamp next to the couch was shining in my eyes, and the rhythmic sound of the AC was humming in my ears. I arose, turned everything off and headed for my room. The condo was silent, almost eerily so. I decided to check in on my son who was sleeping soundly along with his legless lizzard, Afeni.

I went into my room, splashed some water on my face and took out my contacs which felt like sand in my eyes. The usual hustle and bustle noise from outside was pleasanlly absent and I felt a sense of peace. I suddenly felt such a sense of gratitude. I haven't felt that in a while. Things have been tough for me these past few months and I wasn't able to put my finger on exactly what was wrong. I knew I was uncomfortable and discontent in my own skin. I haven't been able to find joy in much these days. It's amazing how 5:00 a.m. can affect the mind. This is not my usual time to function in the world. Honestly, I am not a morning person.

This morning is different. As i sit her in the unuual silence, pondering my life, I am overwhelmed by just how good it is. I've lost sight of that lately. Granted, I may not be at a place in life I'd have liked to achieve by now, but I'm heading there. I have two beautiful children, a published book, an amazing place to live, and my gift to write with passion. I've also come to terms with the realization that no matter where I am, I still am. No matter what my physical location is, I have to strive for my dream and make it happen. It's at my fingertips and yet eludes me, because I am too wrapped up in not being there. I know, it probably doesn't make sense, but it hits home with me.

I have not been networking, writing, promoting my book, or really applying myself to making the change I need. It's not a blame game, it's just the dawning of realizing that I have to make the change in my thought process and forge ahead with the passion I only lay upon the page. I have already accomplished a great milestone in publishing my first book. I know there is so much creativity flowing through me and the time to break the damn of my own stagnation and procrastination has come. Funny how that came about at the early hours of the morning. Iknow I have all of the tools to forge ahead and create, create, create. Now the time has come to set aside the self imposed curse of standing still and wishing, and blasting out into the world with all of me. Saturday, May 3, 2008 -- Liberation Day.

Revelations

Here it is the end of the month again, and it's been two weeks since I've written. I had the intention of posting a blog daily just to do some kind of productive writing, however, that didnt' happen. I got wrapped up in the "I can't seem to write a damn thing" mode again. I can honestly admit, I've never had writer's block to this degree. I just don't know what's going on these days. I spent five days in NYC (Manhattan) and was sure it would spark me and get the creative juices flowing again.

It was an amazing trip, filled with great experiences, lots of pictures, and fond memories. I did a lot of walking all over the city (my feet were throbbing), but it was amazing nonetheless. My friend Broadie and I got there on Friday (18th) morning and left on Tuesday (22nd) evening. While there we met up with a few people we had originally met at Writer's Cafe. Initially the main reason for the trip was for writers to gather and share their work. That part of the trip was disappointing but it was great to see some familiar faces again after so long. I decided to revel in the knowledge that I could explore the city and see the things I missed the first time aroun in January of 2007. That part of the trip was more than I expected. I felt the energy of the city and marveled at the different types of people I was surrounded by. That experience made the trip worth it. I took tons of pictues and in looking at them could write post after post about what I saw and how it affected me. But...

I came home, went to work the next day and realized a major change had occured n me during those five days. Being back in PH and back at work was depressing. As for writing anything, that didn't happen. I was right back in the funk that had surrounded me before I left.

I'm trying to work my way through this whole thing, but I'm not sure what this whole thing actually is. I'm not depressed or in a funk, I just feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a void and can't get the energy to stand up and fight my way out of it. It's holding me pretty tight. I do know that I need a change, a big change. I do know that the words are flowing through me and screaming to get out. I do know that I'm in the upswing of life because of the freedom I now have. I do know that none of these "facts" are strong enough to propel me forward. I don't know what to do. I'm sure when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

I do know I have to keep the faith.