On a seesaw with splinters in my ass

So here I am at work again and hating every minute of it. I guess I should be grateful that I have a job in these desperate times, but honestly, I am so over it. Half the time I'm bitter about having to play this game and the other half I'm depressed that things aren't different.

Sometimes it just gets so hard to keep a positive mental attitude and believe that things will change and get better. Truthfully, I'm just plain tired. I've spent a lifetime taking care of others and making sure their needs are met and their lives are as comfortable as possible. I've sacrificed to the gills and frankly, I want to be on the receiving end of that deal for once. Yep, never thought I'd say it, let alone write it down. I've spent a lifetime being a fiercely independent, self-sufficient woman that has never asked for help or let her fears and weaknesses rise to the surface. It's been a hell of a ride.

It just seems lately like I want to pull the covers over my head and say fuck it! Now, whenever I've felt this way in the past, the signifcant others in my life have made the comment that it must be my time of the month. How damn cliche is that? Truth be told, I've spent the first half in a constant battle to do the right thing, follow the rules, meet expectations, and be responsible. I'm starting the second half and I want to throw caution to the wind, not give a damn about anyone but me and what I want, take risks, and above all live my dream at any cost.

Now that's a conundrum, don't you think? How's that for extremes? Today I woke up and said, "Fuck It" and threw the covers on the floor. I want what I want and I deserve to have it, it's my time, so I suppose that means my personal universe is a "ME" driven place right now. Feels damn good.

I’m damn exhausted but it feels good

It's been a busy weekend. I've been rearranging my room and setting things up for the long haul to create an environment that fuels my desire to write. The best thing I could have done was finally accomplished this weekend. I took the TV out of my room. I realized that I had this pattern beginning of coming home, puttering around the house and then plopping down in bed and clicking on the tube. I guess it was part of my way to deal with the writer's block. Maybe it helped keep it going in some ways.

So, now with the tube absent, I've been back to listening to music again, and I find myself at the keyboard slamming away for hours at end. What an amazingly fabulous feeling. Naked and Raw has been a catalyst for me as far as getting the words out. I'm amazed with every new piece that comes out of my current state of mind. Though I finally possess an inner peace and feel like life is on the upswing, the pieces are dark and powerful.

The whole purpose for this book is to put out all of the things I've held inside, the truly relevant work that observes my life from the outside in. Due to my life altering experience in Nashville, I'm able to do this without worrying about what people will think or how they will react. I can now be an observer of my own experiences, viewpoints and ideas, and put them out there the way I always wanted to. It is liberating to say the least.

Though the weight of many things have lifted from my shoulders and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can also be proud to say I do not deny that the dark side of me is the well of my inspiration and it's from that place that my best writing emerges. That dark side is by no means an indication of who I am as a person, but where I've been as a writer. I no longer feel the need to apologize or rationalize any of it.

As I stated before, I have come to realize my purpose and the reason for my unquenchable passion for writing. Even if I can affect one life, I will have accomplished what I have set out to do.

Introduction to Naked and Raw (Soon to be published)

Standing under the crackling song of the power lines above my head, a transformation began. Nature surrounded me like a womb of sound, scent, and comfort. At that moment in time, I was the only being on Earth, and I reveled in the solitude and splendor. Two nights later, I was in that same spot, with the help of a gift from the Universe, releasing the suffocating darkness that had become my existence. The smoke drifted around my body, separating me from everything but myself. I greedily inhaled the heady smoke, breathed it in with desolate passion, only to release it into the sky again. My personal demons were holding on with the fervor only parasites can gain from their host. The soft murmur from my guide penetrated me like fingers sliding across satin on a cool day. I opened my mouth to scream at the sky and ask why, when suddenly my eyes turned into myself and I knew. I understood my purpose, my calling, the sacrifices that come with it and the joy that will be the end result. I thought I would have to dig deep for the right words and emotions to pen the work that resides between the covers of this book, but I know now that they will flow like the smoke that circled my head and drifted into the night.

Aftermath

love is the bastard creation of lust
trust in forever and forever more
abhor the silence when there's
nothing left to say
I love you becomes the hollow sound
that keeps you bound to fallacies
reflected in eyes gone tacit

tears a mere consolation
prize for second place
in a race for the dissolution
of nights alone
solo footsteps to the bed
waiting to suffocate me in my solitude
exude my passions spattered on the wall
as they drip into puddles of laughter
in the hereafter

after I've been here

Epiphanous

It's been a while since I've written and much has transpired. I spent four life altering days in Nashville visiting two dear friends. I can't, or should I say I won't go into much detail about the trip, because it is very personal to me. Now that's a surprise coming from the woman who doesn't hesitate to share everything. This is very different. and interestingly enough the most amazing coincidence ever happened after that trip.

Standing under the crackling song of the power lines over my head, a transformation began. Nature surrounded me like a womb of sound, scent, and comfort. At that moment in time I was the only being on Earth, and I reveled in the solitude and splendor.

Two nights later I was in that same spot, with the help of a gift from the Universe, releasing the suffocating darkness that had become my existance. The smoke drifted around my body, separating me from everything but myself. I greedily inhaled the heady smoke, breathed it in, ony to release it into the sky. My personal demons were holding on with the fervor only parsites can gain from their host. The soft murmur from my guide penetrated me like fingers sliding across satin on a cool day. I opened my mouth to scream at the sky and ask why, when suddenly my eyes turned into myself and I knew. I understood my purpose, my calling, the sacrifices that come with it and the joy that will be the end result.

This experience was the outcome of a smudging ritual. I thought I would have to dig deep for the right words and emotions to pen the work that will be in my upcoming book "Naked and Raw" but I know now that they will flow like the smoke that circled my head and drifted into the night. What a gift...

Wow

I went to the Lobby in St. Pete last night and it was an amazingly inspirational time. That seems to be happening a lot lately. I revel in being surrounded by talented, down to earth people. It renews my view on the better things in life and makes the not so good stuff seem like the small stuff it is.

I am preparing for a trip to Nashville, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, and I'm so thrilled knowing I'm going to meet even more awesome people. There is a sense of joy in knowing that one can step outside of the day to day grind of having to "make it" out there and into a realm of basking in the presence of people that constantly confirm you can rise above it all and follow your dreams. I've spent the greater part of this lifetime being told to let go of my dreams and live in reality. Who's reality? What reality? And...what the hell is reality?

Reality is what you make it. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's all about what you want and how you want to live. Reality is as individual as a fingerprint, a personal thought process, and above all a desire to make the life you have as fabulous as you want it to be. Thanks to the people in my life, it's more fabulous than I'd imagined it could ever be and it keeps getting better.

I am a poet, a writer, and my own unique kind of artist. I can finally embrace that and not feel like I'm slipping into vanity or a sense of being something better than the next person, but in my universe I am proud of who I am, what I have accomplished, and what is yet to come!

In my universe, I am...

Wow

I went to the Lobby in St. Pete last night and it was an amazingly inspirational time. That seems to be happening a lot lately. I revel in being surrounded by talented, down to earth people. It renews my view on the better things in life and makes the not so good stuff seem like the small stuff it is.

I am preparing for a trip to Nashville, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, and I'm so thrilled knowing I'm going to meet even more awesome people. There is a sense of joy in knowing that one can step outside of the day to day grind of having to "make it" out there and into a realm of basking in the presence of people that constantly confirm you can rise above it all and follow your dreams.

I've spent the greater part of this lifetime being told to let go of my dreams and live in reality. Who's reality? What reality? And...what the hell is reality? Reality is what you make it. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's all about what you want and how you want to live. Reality is as individual as a fingerprint, a personal thought process, and above all a desire to make the life you have as fabulous as you want it to be.

Thanks to the people in my life, it's more fabulous than I'd imagined it could ever be and it keeps getting better.I am a poet, a writer, and my own unique kind of artist. I can finally embrace that and not feel like I'm slipping into vanity or a sense of being something better than the next person, but in my universe I am proud of who I am, what I have accomplished, and what is yet to come!

In my universe, I am...

Couldn't sleep until I wrote something

So, yeah, I'm tired as hell and ready for sleep. I tried to lay down and wander off to dream land, but I just couldn't do it without putting something on the page.

I find myself getting more and more excited about my trip to Nashville. Primarily I'm going to visit a very dear person in my life and that means the world to me. Secondly, I not only feel, but know that this trip will be a catalyst of sorts, and that excites me too. I've been weaving in and out of writer's block for several months now, and I've finally learned to embrace it. There is a purpose, though I don't know what it is yet. I do know that when the damn breaks it's gonna be amazing. As much as I've grappled with the why's of not being prolific right now, I've also learned to go with the flow and believe there is a reason for everything.The ideas are raging through me like storm clouds, but my mind can't stop long enough to put it on the screen. I'm keeping track though, so when it hits, I'm ready. I'm just grateful for the support of the people around me, and I'm especially grateful for David. He sees the vision alongside me, however, he believes it, and I'm just learning to. I know being in his presence will infuse me and motivate me to a level I can't even grasp yet. Great things are coming and I'm open.