Revelations

Here it is the end of the month again, and it's been two weeks since I've written. I had the intention of posting a blog daily just to do some kind of productive writing, however, that didnt' happen. I got wrapped up in the "I can't seem to write a damn thing" mode again. I can honestly admit, I've never had writer's block to this degree. I just don't know what's going on these days. I spent five days in NYC (Manhattan) and was sure it would spark me and get the creative juices flowing again.

It was an amazing trip, filled with great experiences, lots of pictures, and fond memories. I did a lot of walking all over the city (my feet were throbbing), but it was amazing nonetheless. My friend Broadie and I got there on Friday (18th) morning and left on Tuesday (22nd) evening. While there we met up with a few people we had originally met at Writer's Cafe. Initially the main reason for the trip was for writers to gather and share their work. That part of the trip was disappointing but it was great to see some familiar faces again after so long. I decided to revel in the knowledge that I could explore the city and see the things I missed the first time aroun in January of 2007. That part of the trip was more than I expected. I felt the energy of the city and marveled at the different types of people I was surrounded by. That experience made the trip worth it. I took tons of pictues and in looking at them could write post after post about what I saw and how it affected me. But...

I came home, went to work the next day and realized a major change had occured n me during those five days. Being back in PH and back at work was depressing. As for writing anything, that didn't happen. I was right back in the funk that had surrounded me before I left.

I'm trying to work my way through this whole thing, but I'm not sure what this whole thing actually is. I'm not depressed or in a funk, I just feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a void and can't get the energy to stand up and fight my way out of it. It's holding me pretty tight. I do know that I need a change, a big change. I do know that the words are flowing through me and screaming to get out. I do know that I'm in the upswing of life because of the freedom I now have. I do know that none of these "facts" are strong enough to propel me forward. I don't know what to do. I'm sure when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

I do know I have to keep the faith.

Tuesday

I woke up at 7:24 this morning, six minutes before my alarm goes off. It was another night of insomnia, which seems to have gotten worse as I've gotten older. I sleep for about three hours at a time, wake up for half an hour then go back to sleep. I've tried to create a schedule so that I can go to sleep, wake up, go back to sleep and wake up just twice a night. I suppose six hours of sleep is enough. It's not so much the interruption in my sleep that bothers me, it's more what I do in that half hour. I have a night stand with an enclosed cubby, my treasure trove of snacks, that I dig into while in that 30 minute waking time. I'll snack on something, have a cigarette, turn on my TV and find the most bizarre programming that television has to offer. What I really want to do is get up and write, however, I know that once I do that, going back to sleep is not an option. I get so wrapped up in what I'm working on that before I know it, 7:30 a.m. rolls around and it's time to prepare for work.

Yes, I still punch a clock. I have a half hour drive to work, then it's nine hours of the grind, a half hour back home, walk the dog, feed the cats, do a few chores...you get the idea. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. All during that nine hour grind, I'm thinking about sitting at home emptying my brain of all the things I want to pour out onto the screen. That depresses me, because I have to work, I'm part of the machine in that respect.

This morning, I saw two turkey vultures on the side of the road. Ugly damn creatures. They were feasting on road kill, someone's cat probably, that they'd carried from the middle of the street onto the lush green grass. What struck me most about that scene was that they were devouring the carrion in the front yard of an at least 1.5 million dollar house. How's that for irony. Okay, so there might not be a lot of meaning in that for my readers, but it sure struck a cord in me. I actually saw myself as that carrion with the corporate machine stabbing it's beak into my rotting flesh, greedily devouring my dreams.

I wanted to go back home and write. It really is my salvation.

It has begun...

So I have decided to start this new blog journey today, a Monday, how appropriate. I am heading to New York City this Friday (4/18/08) for a witer's gathering. I've been swaying back and forth between going and not going for about two months. I was initially supposed to go to Chicago and perform at a University, then push to sell my book. That fell through and I was just going to hang here and do some local stuff. Needless to say, I started thinking about New York again.

I realized that I needed a break, a new environment, and something to inspire me and get me through my writer's block. What better place than NYC? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be out of Gainesville and back to Palm Harbor, but there have been so many changes that have taken place since last June. My plans shifted from day to day, and each day presented a new opportunity and direction my life could take now that my children are grown. Due to circumstances, i'll be staying put in PH for another year to make sure my son is on his feet. I'm cool with that, because it's what is meant to be. I have learned not to fight the path I'm placed upon anymore, it always leads me in the wrong direction when I don't go with the flow.

I've experienced some highs and lows over the past ten months, but those moments created more fodder for my mental cache of things to write about. The main thing is that I'm happy. I will admit it's a first to say that and mean it. Life is presenting me with some pretty amazing things.

I'm on a new journey now, and the turning point is my upcoming trip. I plan to spend a lot of time in the city, taking pictures and writing down the things I see that inspire and move me. I will write a blog every day starting with this one, until my new project is completed. In the meantime, i'll push my book, Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman, to get some extra cash flow going. I've set a short term goal for myself which I plan to achieve by the end of August.

My biggest downfall is procrastination, so I'll have to battle that demon with all of me. I'm so eager to get this project underway that I feel I will win the battle of the block and not making the time to write.

I hope you take this journey with me and see what drives this writer to write.

10,000 B.C.

I saw this movie last night and I have to admit, it's one of the best I've seen in a long time. I would have to put this one in my top "5" which says a lot. I generally pore over a movie, sometimes for several years and multiple viewings before I am impacted to a point of saying a movie is a favorite. The special effects were fabulous and I practically jumped out of my seat several times. It's action from beginning to end leaving no room for boredom.

I highly recommend this film to all ages. Loved it and give it five stars!

I'm not broken...

I'm not really sure what the hell I want to write about. I'm feeling a bit in a funk these past few days and I'm not sure why. I do know, I'm suffering from writer's block for the first time in a long time. I spoke to my friend, Delia, about this last night and we both came to a rather startling conclusion. It seems that most of the people that enter my life feel the need to fix me. That's quite an amazing thought, since I've spent the past 17 years taking care of myself and my kids without anyone giving a damn whether I lived or died, or even existed for that matter. So, now I'm in this state of being surrounded by people that care about me, but really don't get who I am with the exception of a few.

There is a depth to the fragmentation that makes me who I am, and it lies hidden in places I won't let others see. It's my own personal universe and sharing it with anyone would be unfathomable. It is the deepest, darkest, and truest part of what I represent in this existence. I've let bits and pieces of myself go, here and there, shared parts of myself, now and then, but honestly, if I really let it go, people would freak. I am not who people see me as, I'm not that poor soul that has lived a hard life and needs to be told to put it away and walk into the light, the world of love and laughter, sunflowers and rainbows. I am so much more. I thrive in the darker places that nature provides for those like me. I love the rain, thunder, lightning, the night, exploring the twisted wreckage of twisted minds. It intrigues me.

Every time I try to deviate away from that inner core that writes about the not so pleasant things in life, living, and dying, the blankness enters my mind, my soul, my body, and my spirit. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love, compassion, helping society, and all the things that should be in the forefront for humanity. The reality is, that's not reality. We live in times where things happen that cause people to shake their heads and wonder what the hell is going on in the world today.

I've tried to deny that part of myself through time and each time I do, when I return, I go deeper and deeper into a world that intrigues me to the depths and stimulates my mind with questions, ideas, and thoughts.

I've had so many muses in my lifetime that have inspired different parts of my creative journey. It's a beautiful thing in hindsight and refelction and wonderful pieces have come from those interactions. Truth be told, the muses come to me in so many ways, when I least expect them and most need them. I'm museless right now, really for the first time in what seems like forever. I am a blank slate, an empty vessel, virgin snow in a vast open place untouched by human interaction. It's where I need to be right now. It's what I need to feel right now. Vast, empty, alone, and ready for an inundation of emotions, memories, and thoughts that will clear the way for me to create again. This has been a cyclical process, yet, this time there is a different air to it all. I'll not even try to explain it, you can read it when the damn breaks...

Thoughts that float around in my almost 50 mind...

So, here it is just 2 days before my 50th birthday! I could say I'm freaking out about being 50, however, that is not the case. I feel like I'm coming into the best part of my life. There is so much behind me, so many experiences that have forged who I am today. This venture into the second part of my life is an adventure. Many good things will come my way and I will embrace them all. I see and feel the changes already. The profundity of the events that have taken place over the past year still blow my mind. I've met some amazing people, published a book, marveled at my son turning 18, and most of all I've grown so much in my writing.

I truly feel that my children being grown now, not being tied to anyone, and having a job that affords me the ability to leave it at work and go home to focus on my writing are all a great blessing.

There are so many options open to me right now, and honestly, my head is swimming. I could do a two month eurorail trip in Europe, hit the open road in the US, get a small place by the beach here in Clearwater (great retreat to write for a year), or just move to any place I want, the options are endless! I am at a point where I'm not even trying to make a decision on what to do, I'm just allowing. Whatever my path is supposed to be will reveal itself to me and I will gladly venture there and revel in the journey.

As I mentioned before, I've met some amazing people who are deeply embedded in my heart and have helped to open my spirit so it can fly in the realms of love. That's a great gift in itself.

I have some really great ideas for book projects. My novel is the next project I plan to publish, which will be quickly followed by a book of poetry titled "Spiritual Myopia." Much like the Manifesto this book of poetry describes a journey of sorts and is dedicated to the muses in my life.

I've recently been photographing sunsets here in Florida and am very inspired by them. After speaking to my friend David who was telling me about his latest project, I sat down to write this blog. While throwing my thoughts out, the lights went on again, "THANKS, DAVID" and I've decided on an amazing project that I would never have considered in the past. Gotta love the muses.

So, I'll probably be writing in my blog more often now that I have all these things going on.

Peace...

The month is almost at an end...

So, here I am again, at work, and wishing I was at home writing. The month of January is almost over and I can't believe in just over two weeks I'll be 50. That's actually a magic number of sorts. I feel really good about it. The first 50 years of my life have been an amazing journey to say the least, and though there have been some very hard times and lots of heartache, the reality is that the best is yet to come.

My responsibilities have been met, I've raised my kids, taken care of my loved ones, and given what everyone has expected of me. Now I'm in the stage where I can give to myself. I have learned to love myself, to believe in myself, and to free myself from the bondage that has been imposed on me by people, places and events. Freedom is a beautiful thing. The question is, what does that freedom entail? What to do? What to do?

There are so many options available to me now. Ironically, I find myself wondering why certain things are coming about in my life right now. I have kept myself distanced from most people in the past, but now find myself connected to a handful that seem to play an integral part in my evolution. I have a support system for the first time in my life. It feels good, but I can't imagine distance keeping me from being in their presence whenever the need arises.

I write from a depth that scares me sometimes. Most of what I pen right now, never makes it out onto my writing sites, my performances, or to those that read my work. It is intense, extreme, and very powerful. The changes I'm going through, the new way of looking at things, the emotions, the dreams, the nightmares, all of it is spilling out in waves that crash against the barriers that have been erected through time and now sift away like sand on a weather beaten shore.

I decided to create a new word, epiphanous, yeah I know it's not a Webster word, but it applies to what is going on in my life. Each new thought raises more thoughts, more emotions, more ideas, and damn that kicks ass. I have a muse that fuels me like none before, I have friends that love me like none before, and I have a newfound knowledge that drives me deeper and deeper into myself. What an amazing place that is. I know at some point, these new pieces of work will make it into a book with material that no one has previewed, and it will be amazing to the people that know my work, for it is a smooth glide into the persona that is really me. It will be surprising to say the least.