Tuesday

I woke up at 7:24 this morning, six minutes before my alarm goes off. It was another night of insomnia, which seems to have gotten worse as I've gotten older. I sleep for about three hours at a time, wake up for half an hour then go back to sleep. I've tried to create a schedule so that I can go to sleep, wake up, go back to sleep and wake up just twice a night. I suppose six hours of sleep is enough. It's not so much the interruption in my sleep that bothers me, it's more what I do in that half hour. I have a night stand with an enclosed cubby, my treasure trove of snacks, that I dig into while in that 30 minute waking time. I'll snack on something, have a cigarette, turn on my TV and find the most bizarre programming that television has to offer. What I really want to do is get up and write, however, I know that once I do that, going back to sleep is not an option. I get so wrapped up in what I'm working on that before I know it, 7:30 a.m. rolls around and it's time to prepare for work.

Yes, I still punch a clock. I have a half hour drive to work, then it's nine hours of the grind, a half hour back home, walk the dog, feed the cats, do a few chores...you get the idea. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. All during that nine hour grind, I'm thinking about sitting at home emptying my brain of all the things I want to pour out onto the screen. That depresses me, because I have to work, I'm part of the machine in that respect.

This morning, I saw two turkey vultures on the side of the road. Ugly damn creatures. They were feasting on road kill, someone's cat probably, that they'd carried from the middle of the street onto the lush green grass. What struck me most about that scene was that they were devouring the carrion in the front yard of an at least 1.5 million dollar house. How's that for irony. Okay, so there might not be a lot of meaning in that for my readers, but it sure struck a cord in me. I actually saw myself as that carrion with the corporate machine stabbing it's beak into my rotting flesh, greedily devouring my dreams.

I wanted to go back home and write. It really is my salvation.

It has begun...

So I have decided to start this new blog journey today, a Monday, how appropriate. I am heading to New York City this Friday (4/18/08) for a witer's gathering. I've been swaying back and forth between going and not going for about two months. I was initially supposed to go to Chicago and perform at a University, then push to sell my book. That fell through and I was just going to hang here and do some local stuff. Needless to say, I started thinking about New York again.

I realized that I needed a break, a new environment, and something to inspire me and get me through my writer's block. What better place than NYC? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be out of Gainesville and back to Palm Harbor, but there have been so many changes that have taken place since last June. My plans shifted from day to day, and each day presented a new opportunity and direction my life could take now that my children are grown. Due to circumstances, i'll be staying put in PH for another year to make sure my son is on his feet. I'm cool with that, because it's what is meant to be. I have learned not to fight the path I'm placed upon anymore, it always leads me in the wrong direction when I don't go with the flow.

I've experienced some highs and lows over the past ten months, but those moments created more fodder for my mental cache of things to write about. The main thing is that I'm happy. I will admit it's a first to say that and mean it. Life is presenting me with some pretty amazing things.

I'm on a new journey now, and the turning point is my upcoming trip. I plan to spend a lot of time in the city, taking pictures and writing down the things I see that inspire and move me. I will write a blog every day starting with this one, until my new project is completed. In the meantime, i'll push my book, Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman, to get some extra cash flow going. I've set a short term goal for myself which I plan to achieve by the end of August.

My biggest downfall is procrastination, so I'll have to battle that demon with all of me. I'm so eager to get this project underway that I feel I will win the battle of the block and not making the time to write.

I hope you take this journey with me and see what drives this writer to write.