On a seesaw with splinters in my ass

So here I am at work again and hating every minute of it. I guess I should be grateful that I have a job in these desperate times, but honestly, I am so over it. Half the time I'm bitter about having to play this game and the other half I'm depressed that things aren't different.

Sometimes it just gets so hard to keep a positive mental attitude and believe that things will change and get better. Truthfully, I'm just plain tired. I've spent a lifetime taking care of others and making sure their needs are met and their lives are as comfortable as possible. I've sacrificed to the gills and frankly, I want to be on the receiving end of that deal for once. Yep, never thought I'd say it, let alone write it down. I've spent a lifetime being a fiercely independent, self-sufficient woman that has never asked for help or let her fears and weaknesses rise to the surface. It's been a hell of a ride.

It just seems lately like I want to pull the covers over my head and say fuck it! Now, whenever I've felt this way in the past, the signifcant others in my life have made the comment that it must be my time of the month. How damn cliche is that? Truth be told, I've spent the first half in a constant battle to do the right thing, follow the rules, meet expectations, and be responsible. I'm starting the second half and I want to throw caution to the wind, not give a damn about anyone but me and what I want, take risks, and above all live my dream at any cost.

Now that's a conundrum, don't you think? How's that for extremes? Today I woke up and said, "Fuck It" and threw the covers on the floor. I want what I want and I deserve to have it, it's my time, so I suppose that means my personal universe is a "ME" driven place right now. Feels damn good.

I’m damn exhausted but it feels good

It's been a busy weekend. I've been rearranging my room and setting things up for the long haul to create an environment that fuels my desire to write. The best thing I could have done was finally accomplished this weekend. I took the TV out of my room. I realized that I had this pattern beginning of coming home, puttering around the house and then plopping down in bed and clicking on the tube. I guess it was part of my way to deal with the writer's block. Maybe it helped keep it going in some ways.

So, now with the tube absent, I've been back to listening to music again, and I find myself at the keyboard slamming away for hours at end. What an amazingly fabulous feeling. Naked and Raw has been a catalyst for me as far as getting the words out. I'm amazed with every new piece that comes out of my current state of mind. Though I finally possess an inner peace and feel like life is on the upswing, the pieces are dark and powerful.

The whole purpose for this book is to put out all of the things I've held inside, the truly relevant work that observes my life from the outside in. Due to my life altering experience in Nashville, I'm able to do this without worrying about what people will think or how they will react. I can now be an observer of my own experiences, viewpoints and ideas, and put them out there the way I always wanted to. It is liberating to say the least.

Though the weight of many things have lifted from my shoulders and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can also be proud to say I do not deny that the dark side of me is the well of my inspiration and it's from that place that my best writing emerges. That dark side is by no means an indication of who I am as a person, but where I've been as a writer. I no longer feel the need to apologize or rationalize any of it.

As I stated before, I have come to realize my purpose and the reason for my unquenchable passion for writing. Even if I can affect one life, I will have accomplished what I have set out to do.