Understanding

I awoke at 5:04 this morning after having fallen asleep on the couch. I had every intention of getting some writing done last night, but honestly, I was exhausted. This past week at work was rough. The TV was on; the lamp next to the couch was shining in my eyes, and the rhythmic sound of the AC was humming in my ears. I arose, turned everything off and headed for my room. The condo was silent, almost eerily so. I decided to check in on my son who was sleeping soundly along with his legless lizzard, Afeni.

I went into my room, splashed some water on my face and took out my contacs which felt like sand in my eyes. The usual hustle and bustle noise from outside was pleasanlly absent and I felt a sense of peace. I suddenly felt such a sense of gratitude. I haven't felt that in a while. Things have been tough for me these past few months and I wasn't able to put my finger on exactly what was wrong. I knew I was uncomfortable and discontent in my own skin. I haven't been able to find joy in much these days. It's amazing how 5:00 a.m. can affect the mind. This is not my usual time to function in the world. Honestly, I am not a morning person.

This morning is different. As i sit her in the unuual silence, pondering my life, I am overwhelmed by just how good it is. I've lost sight of that lately. Granted, I may not be at a place in life I'd have liked to achieve by now, but I'm heading there. I have two beautiful children, a published book, an amazing place to live, and my gift to write with passion. I've also come to terms with the realization that no matter where I am, I still am. No matter what my physical location is, I have to strive for my dream and make it happen. It's at my fingertips and yet eludes me, because I am too wrapped up in not being there. I know, it probably doesn't make sense, but it hits home with me.

I have not been networking, writing, promoting my book, or really applying myself to making the change I need. It's not a blame game, it's just the dawning of realizing that I have to make the change in my thought process and forge ahead with the passion I only lay upon the page. I have already accomplished a great milestone in publishing my first book. I know there is so much creativity flowing through me and the time to break the damn of my own stagnation and procrastination has come. Funny how that came about at the early hours of the morning. Iknow I have all of the tools to forge ahead and create, create, create. Now the time has come to set aside the self imposed curse of standing still and wishing, and blasting out into the world with all of me. Saturday, May 3, 2008 -- Liberation Day.

Revelations

Here it is the end of the month again, and it's been two weeks since I've written. I had the intention of posting a blog daily just to do some kind of productive writing, however, that didnt' happen. I got wrapped up in the "I can't seem to write a damn thing" mode again. I can honestly admit, I've never had writer's block to this degree. I just don't know what's going on these days. I spent five days in NYC (Manhattan) and was sure it would spark me and get the creative juices flowing again.

It was an amazing trip, filled with great experiences, lots of pictures, and fond memories. I did a lot of walking all over the city (my feet were throbbing), but it was amazing nonetheless. My friend Broadie and I got there on Friday (18th) morning and left on Tuesday (22nd) evening. While there we met up with a few people we had originally met at Writer's Cafe. Initially the main reason for the trip was for writers to gather and share their work. That part of the trip was disappointing but it was great to see some familiar faces again after so long. I decided to revel in the knowledge that I could explore the city and see the things I missed the first time aroun in January of 2007. That part of the trip was more than I expected. I felt the energy of the city and marveled at the different types of people I was surrounded by. That experience made the trip worth it. I took tons of pictues and in looking at them could write post after post about what I saw and how it affected me. But...

I came home, went to work the next day and realized a major change had occured n me during those five days. Being back in PH and back at work was depressing. As for writing anything, that didn't happen. I was right back in the funk that had surrounded me before I left.

I'm trying to work my way through this whole thing, but I'm not sure what this whole thing actually is. I'm not depressed or in a funk, I just feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a void and can't get the energy to stand up and fight my way out of it. It's holding me pretty tight. I do know that I need a change, a big change. I do know that the words are flowing through me and screaming to get out. I do know that I'm in the upswing of life because of the freedom I now have. I do know that none of these "facts" are strong enough to propel me forward. I don't know what to do. I'm sure when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

I do know I have to keep the faith.