It has begun...

So I have decided to start this new blog journey today, a Monday, how appropriate. I am heading to New York City this Friday (4/18/08) for a witer's gathering. I've been swaying back and forth between going and not going for about two months. I was initially supposed to go to Chicago and perform at a University, then push to sell my book. That fell through and I was just going to hang here and do some local stuff. Needless to say, I started thinking about New York again.

I realized that I needed a break, a new environment, and something to inspire me and get me through my writer's block. What better place than NYC? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be out of Gainesville and back to Palm Harbor, but there have been so many changes that have taken place since last June. My plans shifted from day to day, and each day presented a new opportunity and direction my life could take now that my children are grown. Due to circumstances, i'll be staying put in PH for another year to make sure my son is on his feet. I'm cool with that, because it's what is meant to be. I have learned not to fight the path I'm placed upon anymore, it always leads me in the wrong direction when I don't go with the flow.

I've experienced some highs and lows over the past ten months, but those moments created more fodder for my mental cache of things to write about. The main thing is that I'm happy. I will admit it's a first to say that and mean it. Life is presenting me with some pretty amazing things.

I'm on a new journey now, and the turning point is my upcoming trip. I plan to spend a lot of time in the city, taking pictures and writing down the things I see that inspire and move me. I will write a blog every day starting with this one, until my new project is completed. In the meantime, i'll push my book, Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman, to get some extra cash flow going. I've set a short term goal for myself which I plan to achieve by the end of August.

My biggest downfall is procrastination, so I'll have to battle that demon with all of me. I'm so eager to get this project underway that I feel I will win the battle of the block and not making the time to write.

I hope you take this journey with me and see what drives this writer to write.

10,000 B.C.

I saw this movie last night and I have to admit, it's one of the best I've seen in a long time. I would have to put this one in my top "5" which says a lot. I generally pore over a movie, sometimes for several years and multiple viewings before I am impacted to a point of saying a movie is a favorite. The special effects were fabulous and I practically jumped out of my seat several times. It's action from beginning to end leaving no room for boredom.

I highly recommend this film to all ages. Loved it and give it five stars!

I'm not broken...

I'm not really sure what the hell I want to write about. I'm feeling a bit in a funk these past few days and I'm not sure why. I do know, I'm suffering from writer's block for the first time in a long time. I spoke to my friend, Delia, about this last night and we both came to a rather startling conclusion. It seems that most of the people that enter my life feel the need to fix me. That's quite an amazing thought, since I've spent the past 17 years taking care of myself and my kids without anyone giving a damn whether I lived or died, or even existed for that matter. So, now I'm in this state of being surrounded by people that care about me, but really don't get who I am with the exception of a few.

There is a depth to the fragmentation that makes me who I am, and it lies hidden in places I won't let others see. It's my own personal universe and sharing it with anyone would be unfathomable. It is the deepest, darkest, and truest part of what I represent in this existence. I've let bits and pieces of myself go, here and there, shared parts of myself, now and then, but honestly, if I really let it go, people would freak. I am not who people see me as, I'm not that poor soul that has lived a hard life and needs to be told to put it away and walk into the light, the world of love and laughter, sunflowers and rainbows. I am so much more. I thrive in the darker places that nature provides for those like me. I love the rain, thunder, lightning, the night, exploring the twisted wreckage of twisted minds. It intrigues me.

Every time I try to deviate away from that inner core that writes about the not so pleasant things in life, living, and dying, the blankness enters my mind, my soul, my body, and my spirit. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love, compassion, helping society, and all the things that should be in the forefront for humanity. The reality is, that's not reality. We live in times where things happen that cause people to shake their heads and wonder what the hell is going on in the world today.

I've tried to deny that part of myself through time and each time I do, when I return, I go deeper and deeper into a world that intrigues me to the depths and stimulates my mind with questions, ideas, and thoughts.

I've had so many muses in my lifetime that have inspired different parts of my creative journey. It's a beautiful thing in hindsight and refelction and wonderful pieces have come from those interactions. Truth be told, the muses come to me in so many ways, when I least expect them and most need them. I'm museless right now, really for the first time in what seems like forever. I am a blank slate, an empty vessel, virgin snow in a vast open place untouched by human interaction. It's where I need to be right now. It's what I need to feel right now. Vast, empty, alone, and ready for an inundation of emotions, memories, and thoughts that will clear the way for me to create again. This has been a cyclical process, yet, this time there is a different air to it all. I'll not even try to explain it, you can read it when the damn breaks...

Thoughts that float around in my almost 50 mind...

So, here it is just 2 days before my 50th birthday! I could say I'm freaking out about being 50, however, that is not the case. I feel like I'm coming into the best part of my life. There is so much behind me, so many experiences that have forged who I am today. This venture into the second part of my life is an adventure. Many good things will come my way and I will embrace them all. I see and feel the changes already. The profundity of the events that have taken place over the past year still blow my mind. I've met some amazing people, published a book, marveled at my son turning 18, and most of all I've grown so much in my writing.

I truly feel that my children being grown now, not being tied to anyone, and having a job that affords me the ability to leave it at work and go home to focus on my writing are all a great blessing.

There are so many options open to me right now, and honestly, my head is swimming. I could do a two month eurorail trip in Europe, hit the open road in the US, get a small place by the beach here in Clearwater (great retreat to write for a year), or just move to any place I want, the options are endless! I am at a point where I'm not even trying to make a decision on what to do, I'm just allowing. Whatever my path is supposed to be will reveal itself to me and I will gladly venture there and revel in the journey.

As I mentioned before, I've met some amazing people who are deeply embedded in my heart and have helped to open my spirit so it can fly in the realms of love. That's a great gift in itself.

I have some really great ideas for book projects. My novel is the next project I plan to publish, which will be quickly followed by a book of poetry titled "Spiritual Myopia." Much like the Manifesto this book of poetry describes a journey of sorts and is dedicated to the muses in my life.

I've recently been photographing sunsets here in Florida and am very inspired by them. After speaking to my friend David who was telling me about his latest project, I sat down to write this blog. While throwing my thoughts out, the lights went on again, "THANKS, DAVID" and I've decided on an amazing project that I would never have considered in the past. Gotta love the muses.

So, I'll probably be writing in my blog more often now that I have all these things going on.

Peace...

The month is almost at an end...

So, here I am again, at work, and wishing I was at home writing. The month of January is almost over and I can't believe in just over two weeks I'll be 50. That's actually a magic number of sorts. I feel really good about it. The first 50 years of my life have been an amazing journey to say the least, and though there have been some very hard times and lots of heartache, the reality is that the best is yet to come.

My responsibilities have been met, I've raised my kids, taken care of my loved ones, and given what everyone has expected of me. Now I'm in the stage where I can give to myself. I have learned to love myself, to believe in myself, and to free myself from the bondage that has been imposed on me by people, places and events. Freedom is a beautiful thing. The question is, what does that freedom entail? What to do? What to do?

There are so many options available to me now. Ironically, I find myself wondering why certain things are coming about in my life right now. I have kept myself distanced from most people in the past, but now find myself connected to a handful that seem to play an integral part in my evolution. I have a support system for the first time in my life. It feels good, but I can't imagine distance keeping me from being in their presence whenever the need arises.

I write from a depth that scares me sometimes. Most of what I pen right now, never makes it out onto my writing sites, my performances, or to those that read my work. It is intense, extreme, and very powerful. The changes I'm going through, the new way of looking at things, the emotions, the dreams, the nightmares, all of it is spilling out in waves that crash against the barriers that have been erected through time and now sift away like sand on a weather beaten shore.

I decided to create a new word, epiphanous, yeah I know it's not a Webster word, but it applies to what is going on in my life. Each new thought raises more thoughts, more emotions, more ideas, and damn that kicks ass. I have a muse that fuels me like none before, I have friends that love me like none before, and I have a newfound knowledge that drives me deeper and deeper into myself. What an amazing place that is. I know at some point, these new pieces of work will make it into a book with material that no one has previewed, and it will be amazing to the people that know my work, for it is a smooth glide into the persona that is really me. It will be surprising to say the least.

A new year begins...

I've had to sit back and digest this past week. There's been a lot going on in my head, which isn't unusual. It just seems like I've been going through this very intense and extreme mental change. I've pretty much been cave dwelling and that always creates some kind of huge transition when I emerge. I think I might have another week or so in this phase, but hey, that's what this writer's mind goes through all the time.

One of the really big factors in all of this is my perception of motherhood at this point in my life. I've been spending the past twenty-three years taking care of my children. It's was just the three of us for seventeen of those years. My entire existence revolved around taking care of them, protecting them, providing for them, and being there for them. They are both grown now and don't need those things from me anymore.

I am at a point in life where I can focus on me, what I want to do, how I want to live. It's so alien to me. I sort of have the sensation of being in a tunnel with just one match. It's like I have one shot to do what's right for me. Problem is, there are so many options and I have no clue which way to go. For the first time I actually feel like I want to stand still. That's really an oxymoron to me. There seems to be a sense of tranquility in standing still, yet all of the things I want to accomplish have me moving forward at lightning speed.

I really need to spend some time with my physical guide. He always helps me put things into perspective and everything makes sense. It's interesting to me how the Universe's plan has put a guide into my life that is so far away. There is always a need to reach across time and space to connect with him, but boy does that stretch the boundaries of my thought processes. Every journey into the depths of my mind has me coming back with something new and previously undiscovered. I suppose that is the purpose behind it. Despite all of that, being in his physical presence grounds me and puts me back in touch with myself. I do hope to see him soon.

I've also met some verys special people here in PH. They too are in touch with the Universe and the concept of Universal love and peace. They too are humanitarians and a genuine souls. That's rare and I seem to be surrounding myself with people like them. The positive influences in my life are so profound that at times it seems unreal that I have these types of people arround me, nurturing me with love and caring. I feel truly blessed, and that is the thought I'm taking into the new year with me. The rest will just come as it may, because I am allowing to the fullest now.

A wide range of emotions

So I'm sitting here at work not wanting to be here. I am feeling such a wide range of emotions right now...must be that time of year. Truthfully, I'm thinking about how I want the new year to evolve for me and what I have to do to make that happen. I am definately in the planning stages for 2008. I'm leaving a lot of things behind in 2007 and it's truly about time I do that. I've said some goodbyes, met some new and amazing people, fallen in love, prepared myself for some farewells, and re-established some old friendships.

The highlight of my year was most definately the publishing of my book, Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman. It's been slow going, but I am attributing that to the time of year. As the new year comes in with a bang, my primary focus will be on marketing my book and getting it out to the public. I'm in the process of laying out the new projects I'm planning and will likely be working on several at the same time. I know if I try to focus on just one project, the boredom will surely set in.

I did receive some very exciting news last night that has me flitting about today. I've often mentioned a man that has created such a profound change in my life that I still have a hard time grasping it. I haven't seen him since April of this year and it seems he might be able to arrange a visit in January. I'm on the edge of my seat. I really want to spend some time with him and catch up on the past 8 months. I remember how energized and reviatilezed I felt after our meeting in April. It was a rebirth of sorts. Now I'm at the point where I crave his presence to help me digest the changes that have taken place and figure out what to do and where to go next.

Another issue that has been niggling at me is the desire to move or travel. I love it here in PH and coming back after the fiasco of Gainesville has been one of the best decisions I've made. However, I really feel the need to be somewhere else to further feed my spirit. I'm not sure about the traveling right now, but I do need a change, a new place, with new people and new experiences. Now that my children are grown and I have the freedom to explore being on my own, I revel in the idea that the time is drawing near.

Time will tell...