Slippery slide

I haven't stopped writing since I got back from Nashville. My brain is tired. Yesterday was the first day I just decided to be a vegetable. I sat in front of the damn tube for most of the day and felt guilty the whole time. Truth be told, I just needed to filter out some debris. I'm back at it again, and as suspected I just keep going deeper and deeper.

This project, Naked and Raw, has been profound in that the layers just keep coming off and it gets closer and closer to the core. My mind hasn't stepped out of this book since its inception in Nashville. It's a part of me in every respect, while working, sleeping, eating, reading, and every other function I'm involved in on a daily basis. I suppose I'm actually living the passion instead of thinking about it.

It's been said to be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. I asked, I got it, and there is no going back. Living within the layers of one's self is quite intoxicating and very exhausting. But, it's the most amazing revelation for me yet.

On a seesaw with splinters in my ass

So here I am at work again and hating every minute of it. I guess I should be grateful that I have a job in these desperate times, but honestly, I am so over it. Half the time I'm bitter about having to play this game and the other half I'm depressed that things aren't different.

Sometimes it just gets so hard to keep a positive mental attitude and believe that things will change and get better. Truthfully, I'm just plain tired. I've spent a lifetime taking care of others and making sure their needs are met and their lives are as comfortable as possible. I've sacrificed to the gills and frankly, I want to be on the receiving end of that deal for once. Yep, never thought I'd say it, let alone write it down. I've spent a lifetime being a fiercely independent, self-sufficient woman that has never asked for help or let her fears and weaknesses rise to the surface. It's been a hell of a ride.

It just seems lately like I want to pull the covers over my head and say fuck it! Now, whenever I've felt this way in the past, the signifcant others in my life have made the comment that it must be my time of the month. How damn cliche is that? Truth be told, I've spent the first half in a constant battle to do the right thing, follow the rules, meet expectations, and be responsible. I'm starting the second half and I want to throw caution to the wind, not give a damn about anyone but me and what I want, take risks, and above all live my dream at any cost.

Now that's a conundrum, don't you think? How's that for extremes? Today I woke up and said, "Fuck It" and threw the covers on the floor. I want what I want and I deserve to have it, it's my time, so I suppose that means my personal universe is a "ME" driven place right now. Feels damn good.

I’m damn exhausted but it feels good

It's been a busy weekend. I've been rearranging my room and setting things up for the long haul to create an environment that fuels my desire to write. The best thing I could have done was finally accomplished this weekend. I took the TV out of my room. I realized that I had this pattern beginning of coming home, puttering around the house and then plopping down in bed and clicking on the tube. I guess it was part of my way to deal with the writer's block. Maybe it helped keep it going in some ways.

So, now with the tube absent, I've been back to listening to music again, and I find myself at the keyboard slamming away for hours at end. What an amazingly fabulous feeling. Naked and Raw has been a catalyst for me as far as getting the words out. I'm amazed with every new piece that comes out of my current state of mind. Though I finally possess an inner peace and feel like life is on the upswing, the pieces are dark and powerful.

The whole purpose for this book is to put out all of the things I've held inside, the truly relevant work that observes my life from the outside in. Due to my life altering experience in Nashville, I'm able to do this without worrying about what people will think or how they will react. I can now be an observer of my own experiences, viewpoints and ideas, and put them out there the way I always wanted to. It is liberating to say the least.

Though the weight of many things have lifted from my shoulders and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can also be proud to say I do not deny that the dark side of me is the well of my inspiration and it's from that place that my best writing emerges. That dark side is by no means an indication of who I am as a person, but where I've been as a writer. I no longer feel the need to apologize or rationalize any of it.

As I stated before, I have come to realize my purpose and the reason for my unquenchable passion for writing. Even if I can affect one life, I will have accomplished what I have set out to do.

Introduction to Naked and Raw (Soon to be published)

Standing under the crackling song of the power lines above my head, a transformation began. Nature surrounded me like a womb of sound, scent, and comfort. At that moment in time, I was the only being on Earth, and I reveled in the solitude and splendor. Two nights later, I was in that same spot, with the help of a gift from the Universe, releasing the suffocating darkness that had become my existence. The smoke drifted around my body, separating me from everything but myself. I greedily inhaled the heady smoke, breathed it in with desolate passion, only to release it into the sky again. My personal demons were holding on with the fervor only parasites can gain from their host. The soft murmur from my guide penetrated me like fingers sliding across satin on a cool day. I opened my mouth to scream at the sky and ask why, when suddenly my eyes turned into myself and I knew. I understood my purpose, my calling, the sacrifices that come with it and the joy that will be the end result. I thought I would have to dig deep for the right words and emotions to pen the work that resides between the covers of this book, but I know now that they will flow like the smoke that circled my head and drifted into the night.

Aftermath

love is the bastard creation of lust
trust in forever and forever more
abhor the silence when there's
nothing left to say
I love you becomes the hollow sound
that keeps you bound to fallacies
reflected in eyes gone tacit

tears a mere consolation
prize for second place
in a race for the dissolution
of nights alone
solo footsteps to the bed
waiting to suffocate me in my solitude
exude my passions spattered on the wall
as they drip into puddles of laughter
in the hereafter

after I've been here

Epiphanous

It's been a while since I've written and much has transpired. I spent four life altering days in Nashville visiting two dear friends. I can't, or should I say I won't go into much detail about the trip, because it is very personal to me. Now that's a surprise coming from the woman who doesn't hesitate to share everything. This is very different. and interestingly enough the most amazing coincidence ever happened after that trip.

Standing under the crackling song of the power lines over my head, a transformation began. Nature surrounded me like a womb of sound, scent, and comfort. At that moment in time I was the only being on Earth, and I reveled in the solitude and splendor.

Two nights later I was in that same spot, with the help of a gift from the Universe, releasing the suffocating darkness that had become my existance. The smoke drifted around my body, separating me from everything but myself. I greedily inhaled the heady smoke, breathed it in, ony to release it into the sky. My personal demons were holding on with the fervor only parsites can gain from their host. The soft murmur from my guide penetrated me like fingers sliding across satin on a cool day. I opened my mouth to scream at the sky and ask why, when suddenly my eyes turned into myself and I knew. I understood my purpose, my calling, the sacrifices that come with it and the joy that will be the end result.

This experience was the outcome of a smudging ritual. I thought I would have to dig deep for the right words and emotions to pen the work that will be in my upcoming book "Naked and Raw" but I know now that they will flow like the smoke that circled my head and drifted into the night. What a gift...

Wow

I went to the Lobby in St. Pete last night and it was an amazingly inspirational time. That seems to be happening a lot lately. I revel in being surrounded by talented, down to earth people. It renews my view on the better things in life and makes the not so good stuff seem like the small stuff it is.

I am preparing for a trip to Nashville, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, and I'm so thrilled knowing I'm going to meet even more awesome people. There is a sense of joy in knowing that one can step outside of the day to day grind of having to "make it" out there and into a realm of basking in the presence of people that constantly confirm you can rise above it all and follow your dreams. I've spent the greater part of this lifetime being told to let go of my dreams and live in reality. Who's reality? What reality? And...what the hell is reality?

Reality is what you make it. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's all about what you want and how you want to live. Reality is as individual as a fingerprint, a personal thought process, and above all a desire to make the life you have as fabulous as you want it to be. Thanks to the people in my life, it's more fabulous than I'd imagined it could ever be and it keeps getting better.

I am a poet, a writer, and my own unique kind of artist. I can finally embrace that and not feel like I'm slipping into vanity or a sense of being something better than the next person, but in my universe I am proud of who I am, what I have accomplished, and what is yet to come!

In my universe, I am...

Wow

I went to the Lobby in St. Pete last night and it was an amazingly inspirational time. That seems to be happening a lot lately. I revel in being surrounded by talented, down to earth people. It renews my view on the better things in life and makes the not so good stuff seem like the small stuff it is.

I am preparing for a trip to Nashville, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, and I'm so thrilled knowing I'm going to meet even more awesome people. There is a sense of joy in knowing that one can step outside of the day to day grind of having to "make it" out there and into a realm of basking in the presence of people that constantly confirm you can rise above it all and follow your dreams.

I've spent the greater part of this lifetime being told to let go of my dreams and live in reality. Who's reality? What reality? And...what the hell is reality? Reality is what you make it. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's all about what you want and how you want to live. Reality is as individual as a fingerprint, a personal thought process, and above all a desire to make the life you have as fabulous as you want it to be.

Thanks to the people in my life, it's more fabulous than I'd imagined it could ever be and it keeps getting better.I am a poet, a writer, and my own unique kind of artist. I can finally embrace that and not feel like I'm slipping into vanity or a sense of being something better than the next person, but in my universe I am proud of who I am, what I have accomplished, and what is yet to come!

In my universe, I am...

Couldn't sleep until I wrote something

So, yeah, I'm tired as hell and ready for sleep. I tried to lay down and wander off to dream land, but I just couldn't do it without putting something on the page.

I find myself getting more and more excited about my trip to Nashville. Primarily I'm going to visit a very dear person in my life and that means the world to me. Secondly, I not only feel, but know that this trip will be a catalyst of sorts, and that excites me too. I've been weaving in and out of writer's block for several months now, and I've finally learned to embrace it. There is a purpose, though I don't know what it is yet. I do know that when the damn breaks it's gonna be amazing. As much as I've grappled with the why's of not being prolific right now, I've also learned to go with the flow and believe there is a reason for everything.The ideas are raging through me like storm clouds, but my mind can't stop long enough to put it on the screen. I'm keeping track though, so when it hits, I'm ready. I'm just grateful for the support of the people around me, and I'm especially grateful for David. He sees the vision alongside me, however, he believes it, and I'm just learning to. I know being in his presence will infuse me and motivate me to a level I can't even grasp yet. Great things are coming and I'm open.

In my netherzone again

So, here I am in my netherzone again. I've been up for about an hour now, staring at the blank screen, wondering...

I worked on a poem this weekend, flowed with the groove it put into my head, slammed the words down on the page, and today I hit delete. It just didn't feel right. I know there is something just around the bend, it's niggling at my spine. Lately, every time I write, there is a space between me and my words, like I'm writing behind the veil again. I've meditated, contemplated and ejaculated my existance onto the page, danced between dark and light, hidden the fear of not knowing what to do next, and loved every moment of my evolution.

I've been touched by the hand and the mind of an amazing force in my life, and been grateful that he is...or as he puts it, I am...

I have appealed to the powers that be to guide me toward the resurrection of my creativity.

I have allowed, and been grateful when the Universe provided.

Just moments ago, I stood in the dark, my hands to the sky, a tear on my cheek, the taste of night on my lips and screamed my gratitude in silent splendor, internally, just for me.

Thank you for teaching me not to live through my words, but to let my words live through me, for only when my fingers dance upon the keys, am I truly free.

Inspiration

I've been basking in the joy of my Wednesday night poetry infustion at the Lobby in St. Petersburg, Florida. I had the opportunity to meet two amazing artists that moved me in ways I haven't been moved in a long time. Their words struck me to the core and made me want to rush home and write. Of course that didn't happen since I got home at 2:30 a.m., got to sleep at 3:30 a.m., and had to get up for work at 7:00 a.m. Nonetheless, it's always worth it to go. Shadokat from North Jersey and Heather from Brooklyn were an absolute treat to the senses.

I realized I had to get back out there, back into the scene, back into my element to help fuel my recent block. It's not so much that I can't write as of late, it's more about not being sure what to write about. There are so many emotions flowing through me right now, and honestly, I'm on overload. Now, I'm not complaining, it's a fabulous feeling and I revel in it. I know it's all part of the process.

I feel as though I'm heading into a new level of creativity and it's inspiring to say the least. It's amazing how things unfold when one "Allows" things to fall into place without trying to make it happen. Inevitably, the Universe always provides and for that I am grateful.

Not a typical Sunday night

So, here I am on a Sunday night, wondering where my weekend went again. The weekends seem to fly with with unimaginable speed, while the weekdays drag on laboriously. I spent a few hours at a friends house this evening and was amazed at how I felt when I left. I saw two people that are very special to me surrounded by love and passion, even though they are facing hard times right now. They have three young children, boys, who are filled with more energy than I can ever remember having. Though they are raising those three boys in a struggling economy, with so little time for themselves, they still manage to produce amazingly creative work. They are both very driven people with dreams they hold onto with every breath they take. I admire them both so very much.

I have raised my children, both adults now, and I still can't seem to find the energy or drive to make things happen. It scares me. It makes me wonder if the years of struggling to survive have drained me to the point of complacent surrender. I'm really tired. You would think that would be the greatest catalyst of all, wanting to follow my dream and enjoy what time I have left, without the struggle, without being in the box, without having to punch a clock. I actually see this all as a bizarre oxymoron.

The few people I have let get close to me are so amazingly talented and interesting. I thrive around them and am grateful to have them in my life. I know that whatever is holding me back is doing so for a reason. I have tried to deviate away from the style and content of what I have written in the past, and I must say, it's a battle. A very wise man once told me to "write what you know" and I have stuck to that through the years. It's what I don't know that aches to be explored. Problem is, I don't kow what the hell I should be exploring.

This is the quintessential battle between the two sides of me. I feel the time has come to allow the side of me that is most prolific and true to my emotions to run free, unencumbered by any restraints that create the sensation that I've crossed boundaries.

I write what I feel, I write what I experience, I write what I know.

Bizarre but true

After I got home from work today, I added the new water dish to my snakes' tank and prepared to feed them. I took out the first one and put it in the smaller tank along with the unsuspecting mouse and marveled at how I was watching the food chain in action. The strike was quick, but the feeding took a while. My new addition (not sure if it's male or female yet) slid back and forth over the still mouse and then finally proceeded to eat it. It took quite a while. Then I took Lillith out and repeated the process. She struck quickly and ate just as quickly, As I sat and observed it really caused me to think. Then it dawned on me.

For years I have felt like that mouse. Some people in my life struck quickly but took their time devouring me. Others struck quickly and devoured quickly. Now mind you, I never saw myself as a "mouse", but I did realize I lived for many years like that mouse walking around in a box, waiting for the strike. It's liberating to know that I can or will no longer be devoured. I have elevated myself on the food chain.

Okay, so enough with the analogy. Down to the real stuff now. Life has been and always will be what you make it. The people you surround yourself with is purely by choice. The old adage "misery loves company" is so true to fact. It's when you realize that other people's misery can drag you down and suck the life force from you that you decide to remove them and surround yourself with positive, supportive, and REAL people. I'm in that process now, chiseling away the negative influences that have and could drained me. I have also decided to truly trust and let in the people that genuinely care about "ME" just the way I am.

I am embracing my dreams and voicing my gratitude for the many friends that have helped to shape the beautiful place I'm in. It feels good to finally learn that it's okay to think about myself and what makes me happy and not feel like I'm being selfish for putting myself first. There is a lesson in everything that shapes a life and what one does with that lesson pretty much determines that life.

Soooooo...on that note, thanks to all of you who are helping me reach my dreams and making me feel loved.

The new project begins

With the beginning of a new week and in light of the amazing weekend I've had, the new project begins. The name of the book in progress is, "The Perfection of Imperfection." It is a compilation of short stories (fiction) that ties together in the end. I started this project about two years ago and never really followed through with it. A couple of weeks ago, while in NYC, I read two of the stories I had written and got a great reception. The people I read it to had only heard my poetry and spoken word in the past, so I think they were a bit surprised when I stepped outside of that genre.

I'm really excited about this project and am looking forward to nightly expeditions into the worlds of my characters. I always get a rush when I "become" my character and write from his or her perspective. Though I've not really given myself a deadline at this point, I do intend to work on it nightly so I can get it published soon.

I'll likely put a paragraph or two for each story in my blog so as to tantalize future readers of the finished product.

On a side note: My novel "Silent Retribution" is currently in the editing process and once a cover photo is ready, it will be published and available on LuLu alongside my other book, "Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman."

Stay tuned for updates by subscribing to this blog

Another late night/early morning

So here I sit again, contemplating the way this weekend has gone. I've spent two days just thinking and trying to come to terms with so many things. In the past when I went through this, it was always traumatic, earth shattering, and depressing. Not so this time. My thought processes have changed, along with my views about a lot of things. I feel a sense of relief, joy, excitement, and profound peace.

I've come to terms with why I'm where I am right now, and why I'm not moving forward. There is no one and nothing to blame. Hell, blame doesn't really play a part in it anyway. I've fallen into a comfort zone, the usual thought process of doing what it is I'm supposed to do as a mother, friend, and employee. I am so many things to so many people but nowhere near who I want or need to be for me. I have spent a lifetime taking care of others and making sure things are right, that along the way I forgot what it means to do for me.

I'm actually at a place in life where I don't have issues, problems, or drama to deal with. It has left me blank, because that is what my life has always been. I am learning to embrace a new time in my life where I can really follow my dream. What a sense of enlightenment that has created in me. I know there are people who believe in me and that's always a wonderful thing, but it doesn't do any good if I don't believe in myself.

I have decided to step away from poetry and spoken word for a while and pursue other avenues of writing that I have let fall by the wayside. Most people that have read my work have only seen one side of me. Trust me, there is so much more. I have a bottomless well of ideas that need to be pulled to the surface and I'm excited at the prospect of what is to come. There is no end in sight to what will flow forth from me over the next several months.

I am truly thrilled for the first time in four months of writer's block hell. I'm back...

Understanding

I awoke at 5:04 this morning after having fallen asleep on the couch. I had every intention of getting some writing done last night, but honestly, I was exhausted. This past week at work was rough. The TV was on; the lamp next to the couch was shining in my eyes, and the rhythmic sound of the AC was humming in my ears. I arose, turned everything off and headed for my room. The condo was silent, almost eerily so. I decided to check in on my son who was sleeping soundly along with his legless lizzard, Afeni.

I went into my room, splashed some water on my face and took out my contacs which felt like sand in my eyes. The usual hustle and bustle noise from outside was pleasanlly absent and I felt a sense of peace. I suddenly felt such a sense of gratitude. I haven't felt that in a while. Things have been tough for me these past few months and I wasn't able to put my finger on exactly what was wrong. I knew I was uncomfortable and discontent in my own skin. I haven't been able to find joy in much these days. It's amazing how 5:00 a.m. can affect the mind. This is not my usual time to function in the world. Honestly, I am not a morning person.

This morning is different. As i sit her in the unuual silence, pondering my life, I am overwhelmed by just how good it is. I've lost sight of that lately. Granted, I may not be at a place in life I'd have liked to achieve by now, but I'm heading there. I have two beautiful children, a published book, an amazing place to live, and my gift to write with passion. I've also come to terms with the realization that no matter where I am, I still am. No matter what my physical location is, I have to strive for my dream and make it happen. It's at my fingertips and yet eludes me, because I am too wrapped up in not being there. I know, it probably doesn't make sense, but it hits home with me.

I have not been networking, writing, promoting my book, or really applying myself to making the change I need. It's not a blame game, it's just the dawning of realizing that I have to make the change in my thought process and forge ahead with the passion I only lay upon the page. I have already accomplished a great milestone in publishing my first book. I know there is so much creativity flowing through me and the time to break the damn of my own stagnation and procrastination has come. Funny how that came about at the early hours of the morning. Iknow I have all of the tools to forge ahead and create, create, create. Now the time has come to set aside the self imposed curse of standing still and wishing, and blasting out into the world with all of me. Saturday, May 3, 2008 -- Liberation Day.

Revelations

Here it is the end of the month again, and it's been two weeks since I've written. I had the intention of posting a blog daily just to do some kind of productive writing, however, that didnt' happen. I got wrapped up in the "I can't seem to write a damn thing" mode again. I can honestly admit, I've never had writer's block to this degree. I just don't know what's going on these days. I spent five days in NYC (Manhattan) and was sure it would spark me and get the creative juices flowing again.

It was an amazing trip, filled with great experiences, lots of pictures, and fond memories. I did a lot of walking all over the city (my feet were throbbing), but it was amazing nonetheless. My friend Broadie and I got there on Friday (18th) morning and left on Tuesday (22nd) evening. While there we met up with a few people we had originally met at Writer's Cafe. Initially the main reason for the trip was for writers to gather and share their work. That part of the trip was disappointing but it was great to see some familiar faces again after so long. I decided to revel in the knowledge that I could explore the city and see the things I missed the first time aroun in January of 2007. That part of the trip was more than I expected. I felt the energy of the city and marveled at the different types of people I was surrounded by. That experience made the trip worth it. I took tons of pictues and in looking at them could write post after post about what I saw and how it affected me. But...

I came home, went to work the next day and realized a major change had occured n me during those five days. Being back in PH and back at work was depressing. As for writing anything, that didn't happen. I was right back in the funk that had surrounded me before I left.

I'm trying to work my way through this whole thing, but I'm not sure what this whole thing actually is. I'm not depressed or in a funk, I just feel like I'm sitting in the middle of a void and can't get the energy to stand up and fight my way out of it. It's holding me pretty tight. I do know that I need a change, a big change. I do know that the words are flowing through me and screaming to get out. I do know that I'm in the upswing of life because of the freedom I now have. I do know that none of these "facts" are strong enough to propel me forward. I don't know what to do. I'm sure when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

I do know I have to keep the faith.

Tuesday

I woke up at 7:24 this morning, six minutes before my alarm goes off. It was another night of insomnia, which seems to have gotten worse as I've gotten older. I sleep for about three hours at a time, wake up for half an hour then go back to sleep. I've tried to create a schedule so that I can go to sleep, wake up, go back to sleep and wake up just twice a night. I suppose six hours of sleep is enough. It's not so much the interruption in my sleep that bothers me, it's more what I do in that half hour. I have a night stand with an enclosed cubby, my treasure trove of snacks, that I dig into while in that 30 minute waking time. I'll snack on something, have a cigarette, turn on my TV and find the most bizarre programming that television has to offer. What I really want to do is get up and write, however, I know that once I do that, going back to sleep is not an option. I get so wrapped up in what I'm working on that before I know it, 7:30 a.m. rolls around and it's time to prepare for work.

Yes, I still punch a clock. I have a half hour drive to work, then it's nine hours of the grind, a half hour back home, walk the dog, feed the cats, do a few chores...you get the idea. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. All during that nine hour grind, I'm thinking about sitting at home emptying my brain of all the things I want to pour out onto the screen. That depresses me, because I have to work, I'm part of the machine in that respect.

This morning, I saw two turkey vultures on the side of the road. Ugly damn creatures. They were feasting on road kill, someone's cat probably, that they'd carried from the middle of the street onto the lush green grass. What struck me most about that scene was that they were devouring the carrion in the front yard of an at least 1.5 million dollar house. How's that for irony. Okay, so there might not be a lot of meaning in that for my readers, but it sure struck a cord in me. I actually saw myself as that carrion with the corporate machine stabbing it's beak into my rotting flesh, greedily devouring my dreams.

I wanted to go back home and write. It really is my salvation.

It has begun...

So I have decided to start this new blog journey today, a Monday, how appropriate. I am heading to New York City this Friday (4/18/08) for a witer's gathering. I've been swaying back and forth between going and not going for about two months. I was initially supposed to go to Chicago and perform at a University, then push to sell my book. That fell through and I was just going to hang here and do some local stuff. Needless to say, I started thinking about New York again.

I realized that I needed a break, a new environment, and something to inspire me and get me through my writer's block. What better place than NYC? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be out of Gainesville and back to Palm Harbor, but there have been so many changes that have taken place since last June. My plans shifted from day to day, and each day presented a new opportunity and direction my life could take now that my children are grown. Due to circumstances, i'll be staying put in PH for another year to make sure my son is on his feet. I'm cool with that, because it's what is meant to be. I have learned not to fight the path I'm placed upon anymore, it always leads me in the wrong direction when I don't go with the flow.

I've experienced some highs and lows over the past ten months, but those moments created more fodder for my mental cache of things to write about. The main thing is that I'm happy. I will admit it's a first to say that and mean it. Life is presenting me with some pretty amazing things.

I'm on a new journey now, and the turning point is my upcoming trip. I plan to spend a lot of time in the city, taking pictures and writing down the things I see that inspire and move me. I will write a blog every day starting with this one, until my new project is completed. In the meantime, i'll push my book, Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman, to get some extra cash flow going. I've set a short term goal for myself which I plan to achieve by the end of August.

My biggest downfall is procrastination, so I'll have to battle that demon with all of me. I'm so eager to get this project underway that I feel I will win the battle of the block and not making the time to write.

I hope you take this journey with me and see what drives this writer to write.

10,000 B.C.

I saw this movie last night and I have to admit, it's one of the best I've seen in a long time. I would have to put this one in my top "5" which says a lot. I generally pore over a movie, sometimes for several years and multiple viewings before I am impacted to a point of saying a movie is a favorite. The special effects were fabulous and I practically jumped out of my seat several times. It's action from beginning to end leaving no room for boredom.

I highly recommend this film to all ages. Loved it and give it five stars!

I'm not broken...

I'm not really sure what the hell I want to write about. I'm feeling a bit in a funk these past few days and I'm not sure why. I do know, I'm suffering from writer's block for the first time in a long time. I spoke to my friend, Delia, about this last night and we both came to a rather startling conclusion. It seems that most of the people that enter my life feel the need to fix me. That's quite an amazing thought, since I've spent the past 17 years taking care of myself and my kids without anyone giving a damn whether I lived or died, or even existed for that matter. So, now I'm in this state of being surrounded by people that care about me, but really don't get who I am with the exception of a few.

There is a depth to the fragmentation that makes me who I am, and it lies hidden in places I won't let others see. It's my own personal universe and sharing it with anyone would be unfathomable. It is the deepest, darkest, and truest part of what I represent in this existence. I've let bits and pieces of myself go, here and there, shared parts of myself, now and then, but honestly, if I really let it go, people would freak. I am not who people see me as, I'm not that poor soul that has lived a hard life and needs to be told to put it away and walk into the light, the world of love and laughter, sunflowers and rainbows. I am so much more. I thrive in the darker places that nature provides for those like me. I love the rain, thunder, lightning, the night, exploring the twisted wreckage of twisted minds. It intrigues me.

Every time I try to deviate away from that inner core that writes about the not so pleasant things in life, living, and dying, the blankness enters my mind, my soul, my body, and my spirit. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love, compassion, helping society, and all the things that should be in the forefront for humanity. The reality is, that's not reality. We live in times where things happen that cause people to shake their heads and wonder what the hell is going on in the world today.

I've tried to deny that part of myself through time and each time I do, when I return, I go deeper and deeper into a world that intrigues me to the depths and stimulates my mind with questions, ideas, and thoughts.

I've had so many muses in my lifetime that have inspired different parts of my creative journey. It's a beautiful thing in hindsight and refelction and wonderful pieces have come from those interactions. Truth be told, the muses come to me in so many ways, when I least expect them and most need them. I'm museless right now, really for the first time in what seems like forever. I am a blank slate, an empty vessel, virgin snow in a vast open place untouched by human interaction. It's where I need to be right now. It's what I need to feel right now. Vast, empty, alone, and ready for an inundation of emotions, memories, and thoughts that will clear the way for me to create again. This has been a cyclical process, yet, this time there is a different air to it all. I'll not even try to explain it, you can read it when the damn breaks...

Thoughts that float around in my almost 50 mind...

So, here it is just 2 days before my 50th birthday! I could say I'm freaking out about being 50, however, that is not the case. I feel like I'm coming into the best part of my life. There is so much behind me, so many experiences that have forged who I am today. This venture into the second part of my life is an adventure. Many good things will come my way and I will embrace them all. I see and feel the changes already. The profundity of the events that have taken place over the past year still blow my mind. I've met some amazing people, published a book, marveled at my son turning 18, and most of all I've grown so much in my writing.

I truly feel that my children being grown now, not being tied to anyone, and having a job that affords me the ability to leave it at work and go home to focus on my writing are all a great blessing.

There are so many options open to me right now, and honestly, my head is swimming. I could do a two month eurorail trip in Europe, hit the open road in the US, get a small place by the beach here in Clearwater (great retreat to write for a year), or just move to any place I want, the options are endless! I am at a point where I'm not even trying to make a decision on what to do, I'm just allowing. Whatever my path is supposed to be will reveal itself to me and I will gladly venture there and revel in the journey.

As I mentioned before, I've met some amazing people who are deeply embedded in my heart and have helped to open my spirit so it can fly in the realms of love. That's a great gift in itself.

I have some really great ideas for book projects. My novel is the next project I plan to publish, which will be quickly followed by a book of poetry titled "Spiritual Myopia." Much like the Manifesto this book of poetry describes a journey of sorts and is dedicated to the muses in my life.

I've recently been photographing sunsets here in Florida and am very inspired by them. After speaking to my friend David who was telling me about his latest project, I sat down to write this blog. While throwing my thoughts out, the lights went on again, "THANKS, DAVID" and I've decided on an amazing project that I would never have considered in the past. Gotta love the muses.

So, I'll probably be writing in my blog more often now that I have all these things going on.

Peace...

The month is almost at an end...

So, here I am again, at work, and wishing I was at home writing. The month of January is almost over and I can't believe in just over two weeks I'll be 50. That's actually a magic number of sorts. I feel really good about it. The first 50 years of my life have been an amazing journey to say the least, and though there have been some very hard times and lots of heartache, the reality is that the best is yet to come.

My responsibilities have been met, I've raised my kids, taken care of my loved ones, and given what everyone has expected of me. Now I'm in the stage where I can give to myself. I have learned to love myself, to believe in myself, and to free myself from the bondage that has been imposed on me by people, places and events. Freedom is a beautiful thing. The question is, what does that freedom entail? What to do? What to do?

There are so many options available to me now. Ironically, I find myself wondering why certain things are coming about in my life right now. I have kept myself distanced from most people in the past, but now find myself connected to a handful that seem to play an integral part in my evolution. I have a support system for the first time in my life. It feels good, but I can't imagine distance keeping me from being in their presence whenever the need arises.

I write from a depth that scares me sometimes. Most of what I pen right now, never makes it out onto my writing sites, my performances, or to those that read my work. It is intense, extreme, and very powerful. The changes I'm going through, the new way of looking at things, the emotions, the dreams, the nightmares, all of it is spilling out in waves that crash against the barriers that have been erected through time and now sift away like sand on a weather beaten shore.

I decided to create a new word, epiphanous, yeah I know it's not a Webster word, but it applies to what is going on in my life. Each new thought raises more thoughts, more emotions, more ideas, and damn that kicks ass. I have a muse that fuels me like none before, I have friends that love me like none before, and I have a newfound knowledge that drives me deeper and deeper into myself. What an amazing place that is. I know at some point, these new pieces of work will make it into a book with material that no one has previewed, and it will be amazing to the people that know my work, for it is a smooth glide into the persona that is really me. It will be surprising to say the least.

A new year begins...

I've had to sit back and digest this past week. There's been a lot going on in my head, which isn't unusual. It just seems like I've been going through this very intense and extreme mental change. I've pretty much been cave dwelling and that always creates some kind of huge transition when I emerge. I think I might have another week or so in this phase, but hey, that's what this writer's mind goes through all the time.

One of the really big factors in all of this is my perception of motherhood at this point in my life. I've been spending the past twenty-three years taking care of my children. It's was just the three of us for seventeen of those years. My entire existence revolved around taking care of them, protecting them, providing for them, and being there for them. They are both grown now and don't need those things from me anymore.

I am at a point in life where I can focus on me, what I want to do, how I want to live. It's so alien to me. I sort of have the sensation of being in a tunnel with just one match. It's like I have one shot to do what's right for me. Problem is, there are so many options and I have no clue which way to go. For the first time I actually feel like I want to stand still. That's really an oxymoron to me. There seems to be a sense of tranquility in standing still, yet all of the things I want to accomplish have me moving forward at lightning speed.

I really need to spend some time with my physical guide. He always helps me put things into perspective and everything makes sense. It's interesting to me how the Universe's plan has put a guide into my life that is so far away. There is always a need to reach across time and space to connect with him, but boy does that stretch the boundaries of my thought processes. Every journey into the depths of my mind has me coming back with something new and previously undiscovered. I suppose that is the purpose behind it. Despite all of that, being in his physical presence grounds me and puts me back in touch with myself. I do hope to see him soon.

I've also met some verys special people here in PH. They too are in touch with the Universe and the concept of Universal love and peace. They too are humanitarians and a genuine souls. That's rare and I seem to be surrounding myself with people like them. The positive influences in my life are so profound that at times it seems unreal that I have these types of people arround me, nurturing me with love and caring. I feel truly blessed, and that is the thought I'm taking into the new year with me. The rest will just come as it may, because I am allowing to the fullest now.