I've had to sit back and digest this past week. There's been a lot going on in my head, which isn't unusual. It just seems like I've been going through this very intense and extreme mental change. I've pretty much been cave dwelling and that always creates some kind of huge transition when I emerge. I think I might have another week or so in this phase, but hey, that's what this writer's mind goes through all the time.
One of the really big factors in all of this is my perception of motherhood at this point in my life. I've been spending the past twenty-three years taking care of my children. It's was just the three of us for seventeen of those years. My entire existence revolved around taking care of them, protecting them, providing for them, and being there for them. They are both grown now and don't need those things from me anymore.
I am at a point in life where I can focus on me, what I want to do, how I want to live. It's so alien to me. I sort of have the sensation of being in a tunnel with just one match. It's like I have one shot to do what's right for me. Problem is, there are so many options and I have no clue which way to go. For the first time I actually feel like I want to stand still. That's really an oxymoron to me. There seems to be a sense of tranquility in standing still, yet all of the things I want to accomplish have me moving forward at lightning speed.
I really need to spend some time with my physical guide. He always helps me put things into perspective and everything makes sense. It's interesting to me how the Universe's plan has put a guide into my life that is so far away. There is always a need to reach across time and space to connect with him, but boy does that stretch the boundaries of my thought processes. Every journey into the depths of my mind has me coming back with something new and previously undiscovered. I suppose that is the purpose behind it. Despite all of that, being in his physical presence grounds me and puts me back in touch with myself. I do hope to see him soon.
I've also met some verys special people here in PH. They too are in touch with the Universe and the concept of Universal love and peace. They too are humanitarians and a genuine souls. That's rare and I seem to be surrounding myself with people like them. The positive influences in my life are so profound that at times it seems unreal that I have these types of people arround me, nurturing me with love and caring. I feel truly blessed, and that is the thought I'm taking into the new year with me. The rest will just come as it may, because I am allowing to the fullest now.
