A new year begins...

I've had to sit back and digest this past week. There's been a lot going on in my head, which isn't unusual. It just seems like I've been going through this very intense and extreme mental change. I've pretty much been cave dwelling and that always creates some kind of huge transition when I emerge. I think I might have another week or so in this phase, but hey, that's what this writer's mind goes through all the time.

One of the really big factors in all of this is my perception of motherhood at this point in my life. I've been spending the past twenty-three years taking care of my children. It's was just the three of us for seventeen of those years. My entire existence revolved around taking care of them, protecting them, providing for them, and being there for them. They are both grown now and don't need those things from me anymore.

I am at a point in life where I can focus on me, what I want to do, how I want to live. It's so alien to me. I sort of have the sensation of being in a tunnel with just one match. It's like I have one shot to do what's right for me. Problem is, there are so many options and I have no clue which way to go. For the first time I actually feel like I want to stand still. That's really an oxymoron to me. There seems to be a sense of tranquility in standing still, yet all of the things I want to accomplish have me moving forward at lightning speed.

I really need to spend some time with my physical guide. He always helps me put things into perspective and everything makes sense. It's interesting to me how the Universe's plan has put a guide into my life that is so far away. There is always a need to reach across time and space to connect with him, but boy does that stretch the boundaries of my thought processes. Every journey into the depths of my mind has me coming back with something new and previously undiscovered. I suppose that is the purpose behind it. Despite all of that, being in his physical presence grounds me and puts me back in touch with myself. I do hope to see him soon.

I've also met some verys special people here in PH. They too are in touch with the Universe and the concept of Universal love and peace. They too are humanitarians and a genuine souls. That's rare and I seem to be surrounding myself with people like them. The positive influences in my life are so profound that at times it seems unreal that I have these types of people arround me, nurturing me with love and caring. I feel truly blessed, and that is the thought I'm taking into the new year with me. The rest will just come as it may, because I am allowing to the fullest now.

A wide range of emotions

So I'm sitting here at work not wanting to be here. I am feeling such a wide range of emotions right now...must be that time of year. Truthfully, I'm thinking about how I want the new year to evolve for me and what I have to do to make that happen. I am definately in the planning stages for 2008. I'm leaving a lot of things behind in 2007 and it's truly about time I do that. I've said some goodbyes, met some new and amazing people, fallen in love, prepared myself for some farewells, and re-established some old friendships.

The highlight of my year was most definately the publishing of my book, Manifesto of a Menopausal Woman. It's been slow going, but I am attributing that to the time of year. As the new year comes in with a bang, my primary focus will be on marketing my book and getting it out to the public. I'm in the process of laying out the new projects I'm planning and will likely be working on several at the same time. I know if I try to focus on just one project, the boredom will surely set in.

I did receive some very exciting news last night that has me flitting about today. I've often mentioned a man that has created such a profound change in my life that I still have a hard time grasping it. I haven't seen him since April of this year and it seems he might be able to arrange a visit in January. I'm on the edge of my seat. I really want to spend some time with him and catch up on the past 8 months. I remember how energized and reviatilezed I felt after our meeting in April. It was a rebirth of sorts. Now I'm at the point where I crave his presence to help me digest the changes that have taken place and figure out what to do and where to go next.

Another issue that has been niggling at me is the desire to move or travel. I love it here in PH and coming back after the fiasco of Gainesville has been one of the best decisions I've made. However, I really feel the need to be somewhere else to further feed my spirit. I'm not sure about the traveling right now, but I do need a change, a new place, with new people and new experiences. Now that my children are grown and I have the freedom to explore being on my own, I revel in the idea that the time is drawing near.

Time will tell...

The Last Days...(4/28/07-4/30/07)

Those last three days were amazing. We partied, we wrote, I got a beautiful tattoo of a lotus flower on my right upper arm, and then it was time to say goodbye. There were four of us left in the house on Sunday night and it was eerie. I could feel the ghosts of so many amazing people. I walked around the house and rewound the fun, laughter, tears, and every emotion I could muster. Part of me was so glad to have experienced it and part of me was so sad that it was over. There was a lot of love flowing through that house and I reveled in it every day. What an amazing gift.

I got home late Monday night and was totally exhausted. There was a sense of frustration that I had to return to my every day grind, but I also held close the excitement that a new journey awaited me.

I'm finally going home, back to Clearwater, back to the place I've been happiest in. It's been three years coming and though circumstances have not changed that make it a bit of a rough trek ahead, I don't mind. It will all work itself out and that makes me happy.

There are many things that have come to the surface that I have to work through, but I can deal with all of it, because I'm coming into my own now. The tides are turning at last.

Day three to day six...4/22/07 - 4/27/07

It would take me days to relay everything that has been going on, so let me just say that it's been filled with laughter, tears, creative energy, new acquaintances, and old friends. We've experienced things we will talk about for a long time to come.

In all of this sensory overload, I have found my own serene and solitary place to dwell amidst the chaos. My mind is pumping like erratic heartbeats absorbing the shock of feeling like I just jumped into a mountain pool, ice layer protecting its frigid liquidity. Words are battling, bumping, grinding into each other fighting for the opportunity to spew "a cappella" first.

I have found my voice, my muse is now flourishing inside of me, fueled by the external stimulation of great minds. I am allowing all of it to swirl to the surface and ultimately escape through every pore, open and ready to grease the slide. I'm ready for the ride. And still, I think of him...

Day two continued...(4/21/07)

We began our trek out of the city, B, K, I, T, G, P, and I were tightly packed in the mini van and ready to enjoy some beautiful scenery across the way. It's about a nine hour drive from Chicago to Lake of the Ozarks. We made a few stops along the way and stopped in Peoria to meet a fellow writer, T. There I was meeting yet another talented artist in the ever growing network of connections gathering from Witer's Cafe. I had to smile for a moment and let out a low chuckle when I saw how people were looking at us. Actually, we did look like a motley crew of strangers breezing into the local gas station to fill up, use the restrooms and buy a few libations! We hung out with T for about an hour before we headed out for the rest of our long journey to "the house."

It wasn't long before we were like kids heading to Wally World and wondering, "are we there yet." After our fourth trip around the lake, and it is a rather large lake, we finally arrived at the house. The nine hour journey had graciously extened itself to fourteen and a half hours.

I couldn't believe what stood before me. The house was amazing. There was plenty of room to stash the influx of writers heading this way. Our first evening was filled with requanting ourselves with old friends. meeting new ones, and strengthening bonds with certain people the connection went deeper with. I loved being surrounded by such an amazing aura.

After much hugging and just an all out glad to be together again party, I headed out to the dock. There was a deep and intense silence and serenity surrounding me. Nightingales sang harmonious tunes and fesh leapt from the water. The moon shone bright light over the water and it all brought tears to my eyes. I never felt so surrounded by loved ones, yet so alone and solitary at the same time. There was a drifting irony to all of it. Here it was Saturday night, or should I say Sundy morning and my thoughts drifted to him...

Day two...(4/21/07)

I walked around the studio marveling at the eclectic artwork all over the walls. The guys that ran the studio were two of the most interesting characters I've met in a long time. I was immediately at ease and very comfortable with the two Chicagoans! The idea of being in the city was a head rush in itself, but there I was in a recording studio with an amazing mix of people.

After wolfing down the Chicago style hotdogs, enjoying some drinks and getting into a relaxed mode, we listened to some of their music, which was fabulous. "Z" set us up for recording time and the excitement grew. There were three of us that recorded and we were mezmerized as we listened to our playbacks and realizing what it meant to hear ourselves in a professional environment. I can't speak for the others, but for me it was a rush and an experience that I definately want to repeat. The whole experience gave me such a sense of understanding where I want to go with my writing. I realized what another writer's retreat related experience this was that would create change in my life yet again.

We stayed at the studio until about 5:00 a.m. before I punked out and said I just had to sleep. I was exhausted, but hung in there until the absolute moment where I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I spent about 20 minutes looking out of a window at an empty lot and the highway just beyond it. I saw more things out of that window in those 20 minutes than I've seen in years out of my own windows. It was a beautiful thing.

We headed back to the hotel and I crashed on the floor by the hotel room door, a smile on my face and a sense of fullness in my heart. I was looking forward to the road trip to Missouri and as I closed my eyes, I felt a sense of peace and fulfillment in the knowledge that my life was going through yet another metamorphisis. I love them all.

Still day one...(4/20/07)

So, I got to Chicago safely and the flight wasn't too bad. O'Hare is a hurge airport, but I made my way to the shuttle service and paid for my ride to the City (downtown). My arrival was awaited by my fellow travellers at the Intercontinental Hotel and I was definately eager,to get there. After being dropped of at the hotel, the elevator couldn't move fast enough to get me to the 24th floor. As the door was opened and I entered the room, I saw familiar faces along with a couple of new ones. The exhiliration of spending time with old and new friends sent rushes through me.

The plan was to stop for something to eat and then head to the studio to do some recording. I was nervous about that since I read like I have a stick up my butt. Gotta learn to relax. So, eventually with everyone excited about the evening, we headed out for some real Chicago style food. Hot dogs with the fixins'. I'd heard you couldn't get them anywhere else like you could in Chicago. It was really cold, coming from Florida I'm sure my teeth were chattering a bit more than others! We stopped at a roadside and ordered our dogs loaded, then headed to the studio. A guy we'd met, I'll call him Z, was definately an interesting character. He was a free spirit if I've ever seen one. Livin' life like life should be lived, free and doing what he loved to do.

It was pretty late by the time we got to the studio and the people I met there were by far and inspiration to continue crawling out of the box I've been living in for so long. They were real people, with real lives, and more in touch with reality than the people I've had to associate with on a regular basis for so long. It was refreshing to say the least. We commenced wolfing down our hotdogs, which were amazing, and just chatted, getting to know each other. The stress and strain of daily ho-hum, humdrum existence got checked at the door, and I got to be me. How refreshing, liberating, and totally eye opening.

It was well after midnight before we got started with the recording and that was an amazing experience, I'll share in the next posting.